A mom has gone viral this week after revealing the things people said to her about her traumatic birth.
Valerie Oresko, 30, rated the responses in a video shared to her TikTok account (@valerieoresko) using a scale from one to 10 and provided her reasoning for each score.
The mom of one, from Michigan, told Newsweek that while most of the reaction on social media had been positive, with women expressing gratitude that the conversation around traumatic birth is finally being started online, she still received a “fair share of hate comments” on the video.
The video, that has amassed over two million views, shows Oresko with her sleeping baby swaddled in a sling as mom flips through each response.
A “popular” response to start with was, “all that matters is you have a healthy baby.”
Although Oresko acknowledged that this response is well-intentioned and came from a good place, she rated it one out of 10.
“There are a lot of people who think that mothers shouldn’t have any complaints about their birth experience so long as both mom and baby ended up physically OK,” Oresko told Newsweek.
“These commenters don’t seem to realize that these feelings aren’t mutually exclusive and can in fact exist in the same space.
“I can be grateful for my baby while also heartbroken over the way that he was born; I can be so in love with being a mom while also having very real trauma from my difficult delivery,” she said.
The second response was from women who’d gone through a cesarean section and were “fine” afterward.
“I love that you had a c-section and were totally fine, but personally I’m not, so, I’m going to give this one a zero out of 10,” Oresko said on the clip.
Priming listeners that they were “in for a real treat” with the next response, Oresko rated the following response negative one out of 10: “Don’t worry, you’ll forget all about your traumatic birth by the time you’re ready to have a second one.”
Oresko dismissed this response straightaway and revealed that the memories of her traumatic birth “haunt me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.”
The question of another baby also isn’t guaranteed for Oresko, as she had to sign a paper to say that her form of birth may negatively impact her fertility and ability to get pregnant in the future.
The lowest-rated response, which Oresko continues to express disbelief to, came last.
It read: “Well, think of the alternative. If you didn’t have that birth, you and your baby might have” with skull emojis on the screen.
Oresko rated this negative five out of 10, before saying in the video: “My baby’s life was at risk, so I chose to have the birth that left me with the trauma. I signed up for the damn thing; doesn’t mean it still wasn’t horrible.”
But many other women shared their own traumatic birth experiences in the comments on TikTok.
Oresko told Newsweek: “I think it’s important that we continue to share these stories so that we can remove the stigma around traumatic births, educate pregnant—or hoping to become pregnant—people about how to avoid [and] navigate birth trauma, and also help one another on our birth trauma recovery journeys.”
Despite the widespread support, Oresko told Newsweek that another perspective that arose in the comments was the belief that mothers shouldn’t share their traumatic birth stories with anyone.
“This is such a damaging belief to hold, as not only does it not allow women to process their birth trauma with their friends, family members, or professionals, but it also doesn’t allow for pregnant people (or people who hope to become pregnant) to learn about traumatic births and thus prepare themselves for the possibility of it happening to them.”
Since sharing the video, Oresko told Newsweek that her TikTok audience had grown significantly.
“Many have reached out to me to share their own stories, offer encouragement, and ask for guidance on how to navigate life and motherhood after a traumatic birth.
“I’m far from being an expert in this space, but a few of the resources that I’ve personally found helpful and urge other mothers to look into are The Birth Trauma Mama podcast and the birth trauma support group offered by Postpartum Support International.
“I’m personally starting EMDR therapy with a therapist specializing in birth trauma.”
EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, is described as a therapy that can help treat individuals with issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder using side-to-side eye movements combined with talk therapy in a structured format.
Uncommon Knowledge
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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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