As a longtime fan of the reality dating genre, I’ll be the first to admit that some of my favorite shows have never scored high in the “taste” department. But lately, it’s really starting to look like studios are competing to find out who can come up with the most 30 Rock-coded concepts. Netflix’s Dated & Related invited siblings to sleep next to one another while dating other people in the same house. TLC’s MILF Manor paired mothers up with each other’s sons. And now, I want you to read the following words in Alec Baldwin’s “Jack Donaghy pitching” voice: Hulu’s new dating show, Virgin Island, will help celibate people find love (and maybe even lose their virginities during the finale).
Picture it, Lemon—a bunch of confident, sexy celibates canoodling on the beach and preparing for the sweet caress of physical intimacy. According to Variety, the show is for hot virgins who wish to be celibate no more. “As the cast finds heartfelt connections and explores their varying reasons for waiting,” the logline reads, “there will be plenty of unexpected twists, including new arrivals and departures, all culminating in a dramatic finale where burgeoning relationships are put to the test.”
If you’re over the age of 21 and want to pick your first sex partner in front of the world, you’re in luck, because applications are open, baby!
For a show that’s all about virgins, you might be surprised to learn that the question “Are you a virgin?” comes 23rd on their list—after presumably more important inquiries like, “Have you ever appeared on a TV Show?” and “Describe your personality (the good and the bad).” Even more fascinating, however, is question #24, “Are you a born-again virgin?”
Obviously, the shakiest part of this concept from the beginning—beyond its tackiness—is that Hulu likely cannot confirm who is and is not a virgin. They’ll have to rely on the honor system. The “born-again virgin” question might be on the list to weed out folks who’ve gotten freaky and subsequently taken a vow of celibacy, or it might mean that a few born-again ’cels are in the mix—which, frankly, would feel like a major cop-out.
Other vital questions include “What do you think is your best physical asset?”—translation: hotties only, please—and “Do you have any special skills or talents? Do you belong to any clubs or organizations?” Will there perhaps be a pageant portion to this series as well? Let’s hope that if so, it includes the men and the women—because if years of watching the Bachelor universe have taught me anything, it’s that male pageants are way more fun (and less icky) to watch.
My favorite question on the list might just be, “Who are you in your group of friends?” With any luck, every single applicant will answer with the Sex and the City character with whom they most identify. (I’m guessing this show will get a lot of Carries and Charlottes; Samanthas are out for obvious reasons, and Mirandas would never submit themselves to an experience like this.) The most telling question for producers, however, will likely be “Explain why you remain a virgin?” Presumably, this will ensure that the virgins we see still have their V-cards for a variety of reasons. At the same time, I cannot fathom which reasons might take priority over others.
And then, there’s the most ominous question: “What current conflicts or challenges are happening in your life right now? Please describe.” This promises to be the nexus of all (or at least a lot of) the drama. I’m guessing that virgins with no interpersonal struggles will be less likely to wind up on a show like this than those, say, going through a rough break-up and/or struggling with some sort of existential crisis. After all, one makes for markedly better television—especially when voyeurism is the name of the game.
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