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Happy Monday everybody. Oh, stop it! OK. A United flight out of Germany bound for San Francisco was forced to turn around after feces flowed into the cabin, which was unfair to the feces. It had bought a ticket to see its family in San Francisco (it came from Germany). The White House warned that sticky fingered reporters are stealing items from Air Force One. Hey, leave me out of this, says one man. Remember him? Masturbator. A new study finds that 40% of adults will go days without face to face interaction. I should be so lucky. For me, it’s 100% face to a**. Thank God you found the pictures of us clothed.
Lizzo announced she’s quitting the music business because she’s tired of being dragged by everyone in her life and on the internet. She says she plans to spend more time with her fridge. The good news is, her doctor says walking away from the music industry will be the most exercise she’s had in years. It is intriguing that her announcement to keep a low profile comes just days before a solar eclipse. Coincidence or just lame? Just before the start of an NCAA women’s basketball game this weekend, officials discovered that the three point lines weren’t the same distance on both sides of the court. Fans were outraged that the game postponed their flea market. It’s a good joke.
A new survey finds that half of senior congressional staffers are considering quitting their jobs. Staffers say the environment’s so toxic they can’t find a quiet place to film themselves having anal sex. Morgan just looked up. Economists are cautioning consumers who are upset over higher prices, that things costing more is a good sign for the economy. Plus, they add that rising formula prices mean babies are slimmer than ever. Look at those babies abbs. A Wall Street Journal report says that living in a van is more difficult than expected. Well, I could have told you that.
On this day in 1889, the first dishwasher was marketed in Chicago. It came with two movable arms, a cloth covering, and a cheerful demeanor. All right.
When protesting isn’t fun, they call 911. Remember last week when we covered the greatest story there ever was, or perhaps will ever be? Well, it’s time once again for: Tampon Terror. Yes, it was a campus emergency to end all campus emergencies. During yet another protest against Israel, a woman had to change her tampon, so her friend called 911:
STUDENT/911 OPERATOR EXCHANGE: Yeah, there is a currently a female student who is being denied the right to change her tampon that has been in for multiple hours, which leads to an increased risk of toxic shock syndrome. So while you’re saying… I’m a female I understand. Right. So then you should understand. Okay. What you are not hearing, what you’re not hearing is that if she stands up to use the restroom to change her tampon, they are threatening arrest. So it is not an option for her. Ma’am, do you have an emergency? Yes, ma’am, I do. That is an emergency. No, do you have an emergency? Not your friend that’s inside. Do you have an emergency? That is my emergency. Yeah, I don’t I don’t remember the time that I needed to have an emergency personally to call 911 for help. I’m sorry, what? I don’t remember a time when it has to be a personal emergency for me to call 911 for help. I am requesting assistance. Medical. Urgent assistance!
Oh, man. That was over a tampon. But I’m sure for them, that time of the month is every day of the month. Look, I’m happy to send maxi pads to soak up their tears, but this is hardly the stuff of Nelson Mandela. Somehow they’re cool with bloodshed by Hamas terrorists but an unexpected visit from Aunt Flo has them screaming, bloody murder. Here was our reaction to the original story.
GUTFELD! FLASHBACK: The people who want to defund the police called the police over a tampon. But this is not the first time protesters made us think of feminine products. Usually they always act like douche bags. But she chooses to waste the city’s resources and call 911 over a damn tampon. She should have just called me. I know people. I could have… I could have pulled some strings.
Now, the jokes right themselves because the protesters are jokes themselves. Now, because we’re a major news show covering the important stories, we’re going to bring you an update. Some of the students involved got arrested and held a presser the next day. Check out this chubby chuckle head.
STUDENT: I was one of the few students who was arrested last night inside Kirkland Hall. I just want to really quickly kind of share my experiences and compare them to what I experienced last night. Again, as people have said, for 21 hours we were deprived of medical attention. We were deprived of sleep. We are deprived of food, water, resources. And at 5:30 in the morning, I got a pat on my back. I was told to stand up. I was handcuffed and I was escorted out of my own university. I was not told where I was going. I was not told what I was being charged with. It’s disgusting that this is how they treat student protesters on this campus. Crowd: Shame! In jail, I experienced better conditions than at Vanderbilt University. I had access to water. I had access to a bathroom. I had access to my friends and the ability to rest. How dare this university deprive us of basic humanity. We demand that Vanderbilt reinstate the referendum. That they drop all charges against students that were filed under false pretenses. That they drop the suspensions and harassment from administration, and that they issue an immediate apology to what we experienced over the last 24 hours because enough is enough.
So are they funny? Sure. But maybe not so much, because there’s a lot more at stake here than tampons.
The post GREG GUTFELD: If you tried social protests in a place ruled by Hamas, you’d look at October 7th differently appeared first on Fox News.
