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Happy Wednesday, everyone, especially since we don’t have many Wednesdays left. Yeah, it’s that time again, the end is nigh all hope is lost. No, Steve Doocy didn’t get his own show, although Bill Hemmer found out I’ve been stealing his running shorts from the break room. But forget about inflation or our increasingly bellicose adversaries. Pay no mind to fentanyl, the rising crime rate or drag queen story hour. That was a mistake.
I’m talking about Mother Nature, and, boy, it’s become a mother. Of course, this real threat to humanity, it’s never really gone away. Its delivery day just keeps getting changed. The New York Times delivers this ominous warning, Climate Change is Speeding toward Catastrophe, the Next Decade is Crucial, the U.N. panel says. “Earth is likely to cross a critical threshold for global warming within the next decade and nations will need to make an immediate and drastic shift away from fossil fuels to prevent the planet from overheating dangerously beyond that level, according to a major new report released on Monday.” A new report, right? Huh? It eerily sounds like the same one Al Gore and the rest of these lying, fear mongering —- have been screaming at us for the last 40 years. Yeah!
Hey, but so what? Right? You peasants need to suffer, or the whole world will be doomed. Except that the Times drops this not so subtle caveat that contradicts the whole report. “Many scientists have,” you know they “pointed out that surpassing the 1.5 degree threshold will not mean humanity is doomed.” Wait a second, so, wait, we’re not doomed? Holly —-. Why didn’t you just say so to begin with? Now, I’m sure that this so-called threshold is arbitrary, just the thing every fear merchant can agree on. It’s funny, though, the headline screams catastrophe, but then halfway through it, they say never mind.
The shocking news isn’t so shocking at all. Imagine if that’s how I called 911, huh? Hello? Everyone’s going to die. Why? My fan broke. What a bunch of shock blockers. Anyway, it’s not as if there was ever any climate change before we all decided we were killing the planet. It’s not like 12,000 years ago there was a giant glacier right where I’m sitting, but no one blamed that on one of my many yachts. But we’ve been down this road before, like, every few years, like, for my entire life, and I’m 85 years old. I know I look great, it’s all about hydration and a healthy sex life. Isn’t that right, Melinda?
But these experts keep moving the goalposts because they’re worse at predicting the end of the world than the Mayans. 2012 was the last time I donated to charity because I thought the world was ending. What’s the point, huh? Kids are going to die. They pick the year everything ends, and then that deadline passes. Then, coincidentally, Greta Thunberg deletes her tweet about it and the climate crooks have to pick a new date, and then they start fending for their doomsday fix once again. They say the sky is falling when the only thing falling is this guy on the stairs of Air Force One. Terrible, but how often are we to keep hearing this.
ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ 2019: The world is going to end in 12 years if we don’t address climate change?
Yeah, right. If that’s true, why are you in such great shape? I mean, if the world’s ending, there’s no need for a beach body. Hell, I’d blow up like Brian Stelter and die in a bed made of chocolate éclairs. But imagine if it wasn’t climate ideology being pushed, but something just as fallible like a Ponzi scheme, but we were forced to treat it with this solemn respect: Oh, look, the Bernie Madoff Institute for Financial Wisdom has just released its latest findings and yes, you need to give more money to the Bernie Madoff Institute for Financial Wisdom. That’s climate activism. Bottom line, you can never trust an addict, even a climate change one. The apocalypse is always around the corner, then we turn that corner and nothing. So then it’s the next corner, and the next, they got more corners than a haunted corn maze. And why?
Because it’s incentivized. You do this grift, the world opens up to you. You don’t get adulation if you speak soberly on crime or nuclear energy. Climate’s different, though. Greta Thunberg is getting an honorary doctorate, even though she’s literally famous for skipping school. She’s like Ferris Bueller, but without the misfortune of marrying Sarah Jessica Parker. But that’s an incentive not just for attention starved kids, but for attention starved adults as well. The former teen will receive the award from the Faculty of Theology at the University of Helsinki. She’s the first one to hold the title of doctor while also needing one. But theology?
Now if I remember my Greek, and I remember a lot of Greeks, that’s from the word Theo, which means Dr. Cliff Huxtables’ only son. Wait, no, Theo means God. It’s the study of Gods. I wonder how many times my name comes up in the textbooks, right? I mean, that, I guess that means they’re finally admitting climate change is truly a religion, and it is, just like Jonestown.
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