Unfurl the Shag Carpet and Make Love Like It’s 1977 at These Sexy Hotels

After being cooped up all winter, there’s nothing we want more than to spread our talons, unfurl our lizard tails, and seek out the sexiest resorts and themed rentals across the United States. It’s not that we’re not into pinkies-out hotels where guests wear linen and the bathrooms have fancy hand soaps. But every time our warm weather personality unthaws, our Best Horny Self is unlocked and ready to lick the sides of every hot-red, heart-shaped tub in New Jersey.

There’s a vast array of sexy hotels in the US literally designed for you to bone in, and we’ve never been more excited to explore them all. Whether you’re with a sneaky link or a group of horny friends, why not book a night at a lovers’ resort with an XXL tub shaped like a Champagne glass? Or perhaps you’d like to confess your love while paddling in a swan boat? As we’ve said time and time again, we’re not here for a long time, we’re here for a good time, and if you get a little sussed out by some of the lovemaking hideaways in our great country, just bring an extra sheet and a bottle of bleach before hitting, say, the zebra-print sex swing.

With Valentine’s Day just weeks away, we thought we’d dive into the best lovemaking hotels this country has to offer, from horny gladiator motifs to Flintstones-worthy shag caves.

Every day is Valentine’s Day

Are you new here? Don’t pull up empty-handed to the classic lovers’ suite, which is equipped with a heart-shaped tub. Bring a bottle of Whispering Angel in one hand and some Clorox bleach wipes in the other—then you’ll be ready to tackle everything from velvet sheets to leopard-print sex furniture.

This room crowned “Cupid’s Corner”

Welcome to The Greenwood FantaSuite Hotel in Greenwood, Indiana, where you can book themed suites such as Cupid’s Corner, which comes with a whirlpool, a heart-shaped bed, a mirrored ceiling, and a flat-screen TV for watching late-night infomercials after a dirty, sweaty smash sesh.

More on the FantaSuite Hotel on Tripadvisor

The Honeymoon Suite

Founded in 2010, the Hicksville Pines Bud & Breakfast in Idyllwild-Pine Cove, California is relatively new to the kitsch hotel game. The weed-friendly hotel offers an array of themed rooms, including A-frame cabins designed with help from Dita Von Teese and Dolly Parton, but our favorite is the Honeymoon Suite. The 70s-style hideaway has a heart-shaped tub, water bed, mirrored ceiling, and the same exact wallpaper that Elvis Presley had upstairs at Graceland.

More on the Hicksville Pines Bud & Breakfast on Tripadvisor

Bienvenidos a Miami

A dirty little birdy told us to fly to Miami, Florida, for some sun, sex, and sand. More specifically, it pointed us to the Tropic Garden Executive Hotel (lol), which not only comes with suites packin’ heart-shaped tubs, but some zebra-print sex chairs We can think of no better way to grab America’s sluttiest, most sizzling city by the horns.

More on Tropic Garden Executive Hotel on Tripadvisor

You cum harder than Niagra Falls

… Sounds like you might need a dedicated squirt blanket, champ. You should also check out the heart-shaped tubs at the Howard Johnson by Wyndham hotel in Niagara Falls, Ontario, which has been the honeymoon capital of the world for over 200 years thanks to its gushing falls and [redacted].

More on the Howard Johnson by Wyndham at Tripadvisor

Wild at heart

Horny for Mother Nature? Of course you are, you sly fox. Head on out to Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, and uncork some natural wine at this log cabin with a heart-shaped jacuzzi. Amenities include a game room with a pool table, and the bliss of being a stone’s throw away from both Dollywood and the Titanic museum.

You just want to bathe in a giant Champagne glass

Who doesn’t? Whether you’re pulling up with a single lover or the whole swingin’ crew, some of the best, sexiest love hotels in America come equipped with XXXXL Champagne glass tubs. Book ‘em for a special occasion, a photoshoot, or a baptism—as they say(ish) in Scarface, the world is yours.

America’s grandest love resort

Once upon a time, there was no internet and lots of cocaine. (Now, there’s internet… and lots of cocaine.) Not that anything untoward ever went down at Cove Haven in Lakeville, Pennsylvania in the 1970s, but this sprawling resort was the jewel in the crown of the Love Belt hotels that were so popular back in the day for their sensual rooms and endless resort entertainment. And honestly, Cove Haven hasn’t lost any of its sexy steam decades later; you can still explore its massive, green grounds via swan boat, get your portrait taken, enjoy “Steak and Scampi Night,” and, of course, bathe in a massive Champagne glass.

Because gladiators are always horny

Olive oil, chariots, strappy sandals, grunting, tiny gold snake jewelry—there is literally nothing the Romans did that wasn’t sexy, and America’s themed hotels agree. Once you’ve explored the gamut of tropical oases and heart-shaped tubs that abound in themed hotels, take your lover to a veritable gladiator den that will make them break through your phalanx or your Trojans, if you know what we mean. (We don’t.).

The Roman rendezvous suite

Adventure Suites in North Conway, New Hampshire is like the Disneyland of themed hotels, with rooms inspired by everything from corporate Manhattan to an… alien-run nightclub? All good stuff, but we’re here to romp around like Antony and Cleopatra in the hotel’s Roman Rendez-Vous Suite, which is complete with a fiber optic dome overhead that reveals a clear night sky and shooting stars.

More on the Adventure Suites Hotel at Booking.com

Go for a chariot ride in California

Some of the best themed hotels are in California, including the Victorian Mansion in Los Alamos. Midway between Los Angeles and San Francisco, this themed boutique hotel is in an old Victorian mansion smack in the middle of wine country. So here’s an idea: Go wine tasting with your boo, buy a sumptuous bottle of red, and feed each other grapes in the chariot of the gladiator suite.

A Southern dive with touching tubs

Do you wash down your honky tonk with hanky panky? Then the Dive Motel in Nashville, Tennessee, is your best bet for a good time. The revived dive stays true to its roots with the kind of atmosphere that makes you want to drink whiskey, wear a G-string, and bum a cigarette from someone named LulaBelle by the pool. There are sooo many things to dig about the Dive, but the twin tubs in one of its sunny suites are what make it worthy of its own category.

Bone like ‘The Flintstones’

Enter: the mothership. The Madonna Inn in San Luis Obispo, California, has 110 individually themed rooms that have been ingrained in our brain ever since that epic birthday episode of The Girls Next Door in 2008, including the iconic Caveman room. Expect animal prints, a rock pond, and a waterfall that spills from your stone shower into the cavern-style bathroom. Ooga booga.

The award for best aura goes to…

… The Aura Hotel in Midlothian, Illinois, which has the official blessing of the duo behind the Instagram account A Pretty Cool Hotel Tour, which scouts out the best kitsch hotels in the country. In addition to featuring one of our favorite pieces of sex furniture and self-described “vibe lighting,” the Aura comes equipped with spa tubs, steam showers, fireplaces, and even on-site babysitting.