Online commenters have criticized a man who doesn’t want to help his wife with their newborn and refuses to sleep with her until their baby is settled in his own room.
In a post shared Monday on the U.K.-based online forum Mumsnet, the new mom, under the username Chumbibi, said that after she had her baby the husband moved out of their bedroom because he wanted to sleep uninterrupted so he could take care of their toddler and work the next morning.
She also said that her baby is exclusively breastfed and she has to feed him, but she would like her husband to offer emotional support.
Since her husband moved to the other room, she feels they’re losing their connection and intimacy, according to the post. But he doesn’t want to move back because he says he needs to sleep to be able to function and help her out during the day.
Data from Sleep Junkie indicates that before having a child, 68 percent of those surveyed were getting the recommended seven hours of sleep every night. But once they had kids, only 10 percent of them were getting that amount.
Most new parents get between five and six hours of sleep a night, losing, on average, over 109 minutes of sleep a night for the first year after having a baby.
Bahjat Balbous, a psychiatrist at Euromed Clinic Dubai, told Newsweek that having a young family can wreak havoc on even the most stable and secure relationships. And when there are two children under the age of 2, as in the case of the poster’s family, this experience is entirely normal.
Balbous said that in a situation like this it’s best to have an open conversation and voice any concerns, preferably when it’s just the two of you and the children are asleep.
“Remember, don’t project the negative. Rather, use positive, empowering statements such as ‘I love you and love co-parenting with you, but I miss our us time.’ Your husband may feel the same upon reflection,” Balbous said.
To keep intimacy alive, he suggests finding a compromise solution. For example, on a Friday or Saturday night the parents could share a bed together, putting the baby in another room with a monitor, and see what happens.
But the poster still wants to wait at least six more months before moving her son from her bedroom to his own, and her husband won’t move back until then.
Mumsnet’s Am I Being Unreasonable poll, with 559 votes, indicated that the new mom is not being unreasonable. Over 75 percent of voters agreed.
One user, bodgerandbadgerrr, commented: “He didn’t do it with your first child either so did you have a conversation that you wanted it to change this time? is he working? What can he do if you’re [exclusively breastfeeding]? I think [you are being unreasonable] but probably due to lack of sleep.”
And AMorningstar said: “He works, so what, so do you, looking after young children is just as valid and arguably more difficult than some jobs. Men are just as capable of doing night feeds.”
Onefootintheghool wrote: “Nope [you are not being unreasonable]…. Unless he is a pilot or surgeon he could absolutely do his share of night feeds. Will your baby take expressed milk in a bottle? For comparison, our [children] are in their late 20’s now and [my husband] did all night wakings on a Friday and Sunday night, he worked as a driver.”
On the other hand, Confusedandperplexed said: “I disagree and see where he’s coming from. He’s going to work, your [exclusively breastfeeding] and he also wakes up with your toddler at 6 am. what is the point of you both being exhausted? If you’re [exclusively breastfeeding] you have to be awake too anyway?”
And Hugasauras suggested: “I think he’s being unhelpful but I think there’s probably a compromise to be found. My DH has never done night feeds but he gets up early every day with DD1 while I stay in bed with DD2 so I’m not starting my day at 6 am. If you are breastfeeding then will he be able to do much in the night? Or would he be better doing more at another time so you can catch up on sleep then?”
Newsweek was not able to verify the details of the case.
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