Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend of four months just found out he’s the father of a 9-month-old baby. When we met, he told me his ex had a baby with the guy she was cheating on him with. She had told my boyfriend he wasn’t the father.
That guy broke up with her last month and demanded a paternity test. It turned out he wasn’t the father. She came after my boyfriend for child support, and a paternity test established him as the dad. She is not a good or easy person to deal with, and now our lives will be wrapped up with hers for the next 18 years or longer.
My boyfriend is deciding how involved a father he wants to be and asking me to stay with him. Either way, it’s not great news for me. If he decides just to pay and not be in the kid’s life, that is wrong, but if he decides to step up and share custody, that is way more than I bargained for in this relationship.
He seems like a good guy, and I was very interested in him, but I’m only 23 and never envisioned dating a guy my age who has a kid. Should I wait to make a decision until after my emotions settle or follow my gut instinct and break up now?
— Not on Board
Not on Board: That is a lot to process in the he-seems-like-a-good-guy stage.
It also seems pretty clear you want to go while the getting is good.
If that’s true, then there isn’t much else for us to talk about; there’s no defensible argument for staying, getting more deeply attached to your boyfriend and even bonding some with the child when you want no part of that kind of commitment.
But. Those weren’t your exact words. You asked whether to hit the exit immediately or wait till “my emotions settle” — maybe the only phrasing that could pry out an answer to wait.
It is almost impossible to think clearly through big feelings. So, yes, resting a beat while they recede is wise whenever we have that option, and when the decisions are so consequential.
You have the option here because a “beat” does not involve months or longer of stringing along this embattled little family while you decide whether you care. The time required is only enough days or weeks to get your mind around the new information. (Truly, you might achieve “settled” before this publishes.)
That is a relatively small cost for your purpose: confidence that you’re not making an impulse or panic decision. When the bombshell news has worked itself into your normal, you can bring the clarity of thought you owe yourself and any person you care about. Thought and conversation, I should say — being able to talk about this, and how you two talk, are both important. It can be the difference between a scarring breakup and one on respectful or affectionate terms.
This is all triage, mind you — not how to get to the Point of No Regrets on a complex life decision at 23. I’m just urging you to breathe into it because of the many ways that can help (and the many ways rushing something can hurt).
Coincidentally — and I choose that word carefully — as you’re busy taking your moment to reflect, you will not be reflex-dumping your reeling boyfriend like a bad clam.
It’s not your job to absorb his shock for him, not remotely, and I don’t mean to imply that it is. But two people can be kind to each other amid a dramatic turn of events and temporarily suspend operation of any heavy life machinery, just for the sake of it.
As long as you’re transparent — “It’s so much at once, I’m not staying or going, I’m breathing” — you can take this moment to think or settle or show compassion if you want to, without mixed signals or opening his-and-hers 529s.
Speaking of, for future reference: Always assume those “next 18 years” of some child-related complication are really a lifetime. That lets reality be the pleasant surprise.
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