There are plenty of theories about the source of happiness. Who doesn’t think they would be happier with more money and success?
We talked to happiness researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California at Riverside, and relationship expert Harry Reis, a psychologist at the University of Rochester, about their recently published book, “How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most.”
They explained their findings about how we can actually feel better about ourselves — and our relationships. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
You say love is essential for our survival as a species. Why is that?
Harry Reis: If you look at humans from birth, what are your chances of surviving if you don’t have someone to care for you? You have no chance at all. Humans have a very long period of requiring that others take care of them. It turns out this is true not just for infants and children; this is true for adults, as well. We humans do much better when we’re embedded in a social network, when we feel like we belong, when we feel like we’re connected to other people. When we’re isolated and lonely, our work suffers, our mental health suffers, we even know that people die earlier when they don’t have this sense of belonging.
Sonja Lyubomirsky: A lonely moment is a moment when you’re not feeling loved. It’s like an evolutionary signal that something needs to be repaired, that your social bonds are not as strong as they need to be. And it’s a really important signal. In the past we might’ve died if we were lonely. And today it almost feels like you’re dying when you’re not feeling loved, when you’re feeling lonely.
Can you explain how loneliness can be a vicious cycle?
Reis: It’s a question of what you do when you feel isolated. For many of us, if you feel isolated, you call a friend. You go have dinner with somebody. You use it to forge a connection. But for many other people, it actually makes their sense of isolation worse. They internalize: “I’m lonely. Nobody wants to hang around with me. There must be something wrong with me,” and then they go into a shell. Perhaps they use substances. They may play computer games. They’ll stay home and do solitary things. And that, of course, reinforces the cycle and makes it worse.
Lyubomirsky: People who are chronically lonely become suspicious of other people’s social motives. That’s why you can’t throw friends at a lonely person because they’ll be like, “Why are they talking to me?” They start to interpret actual genuine positive energy and warmth in kind of a suspicious, negative way, like: “Oh, maybe they have another agenda. They’re just doing it to be nice.” And then they come off as being a little cold, and then that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where the other person actually sees them as cold and starts to react more negatively to them.
Can loneliness be changed?
Reis: Loneliness is an adaptive emotion. It’s a signal that your social network is not giving you the sense of belonging that you want. And it’s signal to go out and do something about it. So viewed in that sense, it is a positive kind of emotion to feel. It’s only when it doesn’t stimulate corrective action that it becomes a problem.
A lot of people think they need to look a certain way or be successful to be loved. What’s wrong with that logic?
Lyubomirsky: We think that to be loved, to feel loved, we need to make ourselves more lovable: “I just need to show them how wonderful I am and hide my shortcomings.” And that’s actually not what works. To feel love, you need to be known and also know the other. And so if I’m only showing the tips of my whole self, just the positive part, I’m not going to be known. And if you don’t really know me, I’ll never really feel loved by you, because I’ll always wonder, “If you really knew me, would you still love me?”
Reis: If you’re focused more on things like money or beauty, there’s always someone with more money. There’s always somebody more beautiful. There’s someone who’s more accomplished. And so you can never be satisfied that you have enough of what it takes to truly be loved.
How does putting yourself out there and giving love to others help?
Lyubomirsky: It seems counterintuitive, but if you want to feel more loved, the first step is that you make the other person feel loved first. I actually had this experience with a family member where I didn’t feel as loved as I wanted to in that relationship. And I thought, “What can I do?” Actually, the first step is to make her feel loved first. Start with curiosity, actually showing interest in her inner life, in her world, in the details of her day. It’s very rare when someone shows genuine curiosity in you. And then, hopefully she starts opening up. And then when she’s opening up, we’re truly listening. We’re not just waiting for a turn to speak.
Reis: When you’re loving towards another person, you kick off a cycle that in the book we call the “relationship seesaw.” The idea is that when you lift somebody up, then they are going to lift you up because reciprocity is one of the strongest norms of human behavior. When you express love for another person, they go: “Wow, you know, this person’s interested in me. I ought to find out more about them.” And so they give back.
Our country feels more divided than ever. Can your advice be a prescription for our society?
Lyubomirsky: I think this applies to groups, teams, organizations, but also polarized society is a perfect example. True curiosity and listening, which is so hard when you really don’t understand where someone’s coming from, to actually be curious about that — why do they believe that? That must have come from somewhere, from their childhood, from their background. I really think it could make the world a better place.
Reis: I have a colleague who studies affective polarizationin America today. And the interesting thing that he’s uncovered is that you’ll have a conversation with someone, they will reveal what side of the political aisle they’re on, and if it’s not yours, you turn off. I’m not interested in talking to you, goodbye. All that does is, of course, increase the degree of polarization. What you have to do is find out: Why do they believe that? What do they think is good about it? And instead of counterarguing, you really listen to what their rationale is.
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