A few months ago, my brother wrote me a letter telling me that I am a terrible person because I treated him and his wife badly and that he wants nothing to do with me. (I attach the letter for your reference but not for publication.) I am upset and angry about his baseless and meanspirited claims. I didn’t reply: You can’t have a rational conversation with irrational people. I also decided that I will no longer see him. My parents agreed to my request to split the holidays so that my brother and I can avoid each other. The problem: My parents have stayed neutral about this conflict, but in doing so, I think they are taking my brother’s side. If my brother had physically slapped me in the face, I doubt that my parents would be neutral. Am I wrong to want them to call him out for his awful letter?
SISTER
I’m sorry you feel so distraught. I have read your brother’s letter, though, and I don’t think you are characterizing it correctly. Now, that may not be intentional. It is certainly not a warm or fuzzy letter, but he never says that you are a bad person, and he concludes by inviting you to talk — only with greater honesty and gentleness than in the past. He also apologized for hurtful things he has done. So far, not mean!
The point of his letter, as I see it, was to describe his experience with you: For years, your strong opinions and unyielding certainty in them have undermined his self-confidence. Severing ties with him simply because he shared his feelings with you almost seems to prove his point. You even responded as he predicted you would: by publicizing the conflict rather than by reflecting on what he sees as your unkind behavior. And now you won’t sit at holiday tables with him.
I have brothers, too. And we fight plenty. But here’s a suggestion: Whenever someone you care about offers you a do-over, grab it! They wouldn’t offer if they didn’t care about you, too. And for goodness’ sake, leave your poor parents out of this. Consider examining your actions with a close friend or therapist — on your own and, eventually, with your brother. There is no shame in modifying behavior that does not serve us.
Cross-Talk, at a 45-Degree Angle
My husband and I are social people, and we love seeing friends over meals. We understand that side conversations are inevitable at larger dinners. But when it’s only four of us and one member of the other couple starts speaking to one of us — so that two conversations are happening simultaneously — we find it hard to engage fully. Often, these one-on-one conversations are subjects to which we could all contribute, and I don’t like feeling monopolized, nor does my husband. I usually let the person finish his or her thought, then introduce the subject to the group. But that works only temporarily. Suggestions?
CONVERSATIONALIST
I get it: You and your husband prefer one conversation per foursome. But your companions also have a say in the matter. Occasionally, I want to address a comment to one member of a couple — not to the entire table — and I don’t see why your preference should take priority over mine. Plus, some things are more comfortably shared one-on-one.
Still, I think I can help! Practically, the best way to achieve your goal may be through seating: Encourage the parties more likely to engage in private conversation to sit diagonally across from each other — making sidebars more difficult. But don’t be too doctrinaire about this. You and your husband are not the sole arbiters of dinner conversation.
Hello? Better Business Bureau?
I have used Airbnb for years. They clearly advertise themselves as a purveyor of bed-and-breakfasts: It’s in their name! But only twice, in all my years, have I been served breakfast. So, why does nearly no one provide what is advertised?
TRAVELER
Are you punking me? Your letter is akin to complaining that you’ve never met royalty at Burger King. Yes, the company began — nearly 20 years ago — as a service connecting travelers with bed-and-breakfasts. But its offerings have expanded considerably since then. Today, the best way to know whether complimentary breakfast will be served is to read the rental listing. If it’s not in there, you are probably not getting it!
Get Creative With Your Gratitude
In my social circle, it’s customary to bring a bottle of wine to dinner parties as a host gift. In fact, our response to dinner invitations is usually: “White or red?” But a year ago, I stopped drinking alcohol. I’m not sure whether to bring wine still for others to enjoy. It seems presumptuous to bring a cake or other food, and no one wants flowers. Suggestions?
GUEST
A host gift is merely a token of gratitude, and not necessarily for immediate consumption. Unless a host asks you to bring wine — which doesn’t seem to be the case here — swing out! With one less drinker at the table, hosts probably don’t need your wine. And I rarely serve the bottles guests bring me, unless they ask for theirs. (I like to plan my own pairings.) Consider a loaf of artisanal bread, maybe, or a selection of teas.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post My Brother Wrote Me a Nasty Letter. Why Haven’t My Parents Gotten Involved? appeared first on New York Times.
