My 88-year-old mother has a beloved younger friend. But my father told me recently that the friend ghosted her three years ago: She made several plans with my mother, canceled them at the last minute and then disappeared entirely. Recently, this friend was honored by a local club, and my mother had planned to attend the event. But in the end, she felt too frail to go, so she wrote a note to her friend to apologize for her absence. Before I knew about this friendship drama, I had planned to reach out to the friend to encourage her to see my mother more frequently. But now I wonder if that’s a good idea or if there’s anything to be gained by it. Advice?
DAUGHTER
I understand feeling protective of our parents as they age. (I was probably too vigilant, myself.) But it’s important that, in our concern, we don’t infantilize people simply because they are older. You don’t mention cognitive decline in your mother. And she does have eight decades of experience with friendships, after all. So, be careful not to assume that she’s incompetent or insert yourself unnecessarily just because she’s older.
Friendships are voluntary. This younger person is free to engage with your mother as she chooses, and she certainly has no duty to see her on your timetable. Now, you (and I) may disagree with the way she distanced herself from the friendship, but there’s no point in trying to nudge her or shame her back into it. That’s not how friendship works. We also don’t know what challenges this younger person may be facing in her life.
So, I would talk to your mother about this situation, not her friend. She may welcome the chance to vent or to grieve her loss. Often, we can’t fix problems for others in the ways we wish we could, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be helpful. Here, there’s little point in contacting a person who withdrew from your mother. But don’t overlook this opportunity to let your mother share her feelings about the experience.
Brag About What Counts
My brother and I (we’re in our 60s) have a close relationship, even though we live on opposite coasts. But lately, in our phone conversations, he keeps talking about how much money his kids earn. I think this may come from insecurity. I’ve done very well financially; my brother hasn’t. But it’s now become his main topic of conversation. Should I let this go or mention that he talks about money a lot? I don’t measure our lives this way.
SIBLING
I think it’s terrific to flag issues before they become full-fledged problems. If your instinct is right, and your brother feels insecure about his financial position, it probably won’t help to tell him that he talks about money too much. That might make him only more self-conscious. Instead, compliment him on the ways that he has impressed you over the years: as a husband and father, for instance, as a friend or in some other way. That’s a more generous approach to refocusing on your shared values.
For $90, There Had Better Be Plenty of Croutons
I am invited to a monthly networking event for professional and dynamic women. Most recently, it was held at a restaurant. I don’t drink alcohol or eat dessert, and I usually just order a salad. At the last event I attended, I ordered $30 worth of food, but the organizer split the bill equally among all attendees, and my share was $90. This is a big pet peeve! I don’t want to subsidize the bar tabs of others. I now avoid the event, even though it is a great networking opportunity. I have the means to pay, but it seems unfair to me. Suggestions?
NETWORKER
I receive variations on this question frequently. Typically, the letter writers tell me — as you have — that they can afford to split the bill, but don’t want to. Suddenly, the issue seems less urgent to me: Surely, the real problem would be for a person who wanted to attend the event but couldn’t afford the allocation of costs.
Here, you have three reasonable options: Speak to the organizer about your preference for separate checks over the inequity of splitting bills, pay more than your share to attend a great networking event, or stay home. Choose your own adventure! But you can’t expect the organizer to know what you think if you don’t tell her.
A Neighbor’s Pest Problem Can Quickly Become Yours
I was picking up a package from the mailroom yesterday when I noticed a case of roach traps being delivered to a neighbor on my hallway. I didn’t mean to snoop, but roach infestations in apartment buildings can be a nightmare. What should I do? Talk to my neighbor? Alert building management?
NEIGHBOR
You saw what was in your field of vision, so don’t worry about being a snoop. If you feel comfortable, ask your neighbor about pests in his or her apartment. They tend to roam! And while roach traps can reduce populations, they seldom eradicate them. You may also share your concern directly with building management, since a comprehensive approach is usually best. Just remember that your neighbor didn’t necessarily create this problem: There’s no call for hostility.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post Should I Reach Out to a Young Person Who Ghosted My Elderly Mother? appeared first on New York Times.
