We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Hi Carolyn: My wonderful boyfriend and I have been together three years — we own a home, care for three pets and plan to get married soon (pending his proposal). Our relationship is truly lovely, and I have no complaints or doubts about our commitment. There is, however, one thing that’s been nagging at me.
Before we started dating, he was with someone for five years. Their relationship was strained — they saw each other once or twice a week, never lived together and rarely discussed marriage. I know this because we were neighbors and friends for two of those years, and he confided in me that he felt disconnected and wanted more from a partner. Still, he’s a thoughtful, romantic person, so during year four of that relationship, they got permanent gold bracelets together.
Because of its permanence, he continued wearing his well into our relationship until recently, when it broke. I’d made lighthearted jokes about his “ex-lover’s jewelry” but honestly wondered if it would stay on his wrist forever. Would we ever get one together? Would he wear it during our wedding? When it broke, I was relieved — thinking I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. But now he wants to get it fixed.
The artist who made it is in the city we’re visiting in two weeks for my mom’s birthday. I had hoped to get a permanent piece with him there, but he’s talking about asking the artist to repair the old one instead. This has made me upset. I understand it was an expensive piece, not some pop-up-market bracelet, but it still represents a significant moment with a former partner — one I’d rather not see resurface. I’ve suggested he sell it or trade it in, but he doesn’t seem open to that. Since he’s been noncommittal about getting a new one, I told him I’d get a bracelet with my mom instead — a plan I’m genuinely happy about, though partly made to show my hurt.
I’ve explained that I struggle to separate the gold’s monetary value from the meaning it once carried. I just can’t understand why he’d want to keep something that symbolized another romantic relationship. I’m not threatened by his ex and have never felt jealous before, but in this case, no matter how he insists it “doesn’t mean anything,” I can’t get past the principle of it all.
What should I do?
— Bracelet Gate
Bracelet Gate: How can he keep saying it “doesn’t mean anything” when obviously it does — to you. Be honest. Tell him you don’t want to see that bracelet on his wrist anymore, and you want your feelings respected. That might go down easier if you apologize for trying to provoke him with a plan to get a bracelet with your mom, and if you can be okay with his fixing and keeping the bracelet in a drawer.
The most important thing is to tell him the truth: Seeing him wear the bracelet every day hurts your feelings every day, and your feelings should be worth more to him than gold.
— More Than Gold
Bracelet Gate: You’re getting a bracelet with your mother to show your hurt? So each time you look at your own bracelet or your mother’s, you’ll be reminded of your hurt? A self-inflicted permanent reminder of hurt — ouch.
It’s not clear to me that you have had an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings. Have you figured out whether this a dealbreaker for the relationship or just an annoyance? Your behavior on this issue seems passive-aggressive, and it’s not working for you. And if he is the guy for you, bracelet or not, then why are you waiting on his proposal? Ask him yourself.
— Hurt
Bracelet Gate: I think someone has to just come out and say this out loud to you: a “permanent bracelet” is not a real thing. And the fact that you’re buying into that and spending your focus on it — thinking “would we ever get one,” “he’s been noncommittal about getting a new one,” “I’d get [one] with my mom instead” — is all flashing neon proof you should take a big step back. Live some more life, and figure out what feels right and true and worthy of actual “permanence” to you before committing to anyone — most especially this sketchy bracelet guy.
— You
Bracelet Gate: Your fixation on this piece of jewelry feels like rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. You’re worried about it because it’s easier to focus on than harder questions. Such as, how you can trust someone who you know firsthand does not align his actions with his words (telling you, a friend, he wasn’t happy, while buying his girlfriend a symbol of “permanent” commitment). He was possibly even laying the groundwork for his relationship with you while still with the previous girlfriend. And now you’re the one in limbo of waiting for his proposal and listening to him brush off of your concerns about his level of commitment.
Take a hard look at how he shows up in the rest of his life, and in your life together. Do you trust him? Has he shown himself worthy of your trust? If you can say you honestly do (and aren’t just reluctant to give up the happy future you’ve imagined), then stop playing games about the bracelet, trust that he loves you and is committed to you, and let the jewelry thing go.
— Big Pic
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself, and are edited for length and clarity.
The post Commitment jewelry from his ex broke. He’s fixing it. Hax readers give advice.
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