How to Break Free From Guilt

I’ve felt a pang of guilt several times today, and as I write this, it’s not even lunchtime: I missed a friend’s milestone birthday, haven’t returned my dad’s phone call and won’t be able to make my kid’s marching band event.

If you’re anything like me, guilt can be an “everyday experience,” said Dr. Jennifer Reid, author of the new book “Guilt Free: Reclaiming Your Life From Unreasonable Expectations.”

This complex, sometimes-painful emotion can motivate you to make positive changes such as reducing your carbon footprint or repairing a relationship. But guilt can also be excessive or unhealthy. And, even when it’s not, Dr. Reid said, it can cause anxiety and anger.

I talked to Dr. Reid about how to manage guilt when it drags you down.

Focus on your action, not your character.

Sometimes when we do something that makes us feel guilty (“I didn’t do anything productive today”), we turn it into a character flaw (“I’m lazy”). This tendency to over-generalize is a form of cognitive distortions — inaccurate perceptions or beliefs that can have a negative effect on our mental health.

If you feel guilty about something that you’ve done, Dr. Reid said, keep the focus on your action. “You forgot your friend’s birthday,” she said. “That’s different from telling yourself, ‘I’m a bad friend.’”

Try some self compassion.

Guilt is a “sticky” emotion that can linger or become a habit, said Dr. Reid, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania. But you can challenge that feeling by quieting your inner critic.

Start by asking if the expectations you set for yourself were realistic or fair, she said. (Recently, she checked herself for feeling guilty that her kids were on screens during a snow day.)

You can also try talking to yourself as if you’re comforting a friend, she added, reframing the situation through a more compassionate lens. Instead of saying, “I screwed up,” you might say, “This didn’t go as I intended, but I tried my best.”

And on days when the guilt feels particularly strong, counteract it by taking a few minutes to focus specifically on what you did well that day, said Dale Atkins, a psychologist in New York and the author of “I’m OK, You’re My Parents.” She said, “This is not an antidote for guilt, but it should be a companion because it will help reduce the angst.”

On the day I talked to Dr. Reid, her small victory against nagging guilt was that she had finally scheduled her mammogram. I’d bought a bag of seed to fill my empty bird feeder, so I could stop envisioning shivering birds, weak from hunger.

Practice accepting that others will be disappointed.

Remind yourself that if you satisfy people in one realm of your life — work, family, friends — you may let people down in another area, Dr. Reid said. Maybe your sister wants to see you this weekend, but work has wiped you out and you have to rest.

“Try and get more comfortable with the idea that it’s impossible to prevent ourselves from letting others down,” Dr. Reid said. “We simply don’t have enough time in the day to be fully engaged in every role that we have.”

Rather than scrambling to avoid any potential hurt feelings of others, take ownership of your decision, she said, and allow space for any feelings the person might have.

Every time you do this, you help lessen your sense of guilt, by “normalizing the experience of disappointment for people” so that it doesn’t seem “damaging or dangerous,” Dr. Reid said. “Disappointment is a signal that there is something we wanted that we didn’t receive. That’s it.”

And be forthright about what you can manage, Dr. Atkins said: “You can say, ‘I wish I could do more, but right now, this is what I can do well.’”

Redirect feelings of guilt into decisive action.

If you find guilt creeping up — if, say, you haven’t exercised all week and you feel lousy — Dr. Reid said to ask yourself: How can I ease this guilt in a way that works for me?

Think of one tangible and specific action you feel comfortable taking, Dr. Reid said. “Like you can make a plan to walk your dog first thing in the morning,” she added.

The key is not to punish yourself or overcompensate, she said, but to think of a way to move forward, rather than dwelling on what you did.

Tomorrow, I’m meeting my friend whose birthday I forgot. We’re having a bagel breakfast, and beforehand, I’ll run and get her a bunch of pink tulips from the supermarket. OK, maybe two bunches.

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