Somewhere along the way, whether because of a lack of time or rusty social skills, adults tend to lose the friend-making powers they enjoyed as children. This seems to be especially true now, as the so-called loneliness epidemic wages on. The American Perspectives Survey, conducted by a nonprofit research organization based in Washington, D.C., found that just 13 percent of respondents reported having 10 or more close friends in 2021, compared with 33 percent in 1990. We know, too, that whatever the causes of the drop-off, there are plenty of good reasons to make an effort (and that chatbots make poor substitutes). A long-running Harvard study links robust relationships to overall health outcomes and happiness.
That might be because friends don’t just offer support — they invite possibility. “Any new person who comes into your life, you’re going to go on another journey,” says Yasmin Sewell, 50, the London-based founder of the fragrance brand Vyrao, who’s known to gather community wherever she goes. And, unlike romantic prospects, friends help you stay grounded, says the Berlin-based artist Tino Sehgal, 50, whose performance pieces often explore modes of interpersonal connection, as with “This Progress” (2006), which draws visitors into conversation. “[Friendships] don’t function in this modality of intensity, of spectacle, of the dopamine [rush],” he says. Yet the question remains: How to make them? Below, ideas from Sewell, Sehgal and five other creative (and sociable) individuals on seeking out interesting acquaintances and then bringing them into the fold.
Tune in to intuition.
“When you encounter someone you’ve never met before but feel like you’ve known all your life, you need to act on it,” says Sewell. She looks for an “instant feeling of trust, which is rare.” The New York-based photographer and artist Joshua Woods, 39, a friendly face to many on the fashion and culture circuits, is on the lookout for people whose overall tastes align with his own: “It’s how someone lives their life and the things they’re engaged with,” he says, like a shared interest in a certain writer. Aminatou Sow, 40, the interviewer and co-author of the 2020 book “Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close,” who lives in Brooklyn, agrees. When joining a new group — a running club, for example — “pay attention to who those [like-minded] people are and what you want to know about them.” Even in professional contexts, where there are power dynamics to contend with, it helps to “develop a sensitivity for who sees you as a human,” says Sehgal, noting that those people often make for good friend material.
Stay in touch.
“Usually if I connect with someone, by the end of the conversation there are 10 bullet points of things to follow up about,” says the Brooklyn-based writer and chef Julia Sherman, 42 — an article link, a bakery recommendation, the name of a play. Circling back shows you were listening, and, if you don’t already have the person’s contact information, you have an easy script. “I’ll be like, ‘What’s your number? I’ll send you all that stuff,’” says Sherman. The Los Angeles-based musician Lucy Dacus, 30 — who teamed up with friends for the supergroup boygenius and, on a recent solo tour, officiated 154 marriages — usually volunteers her own number, inputting it into the other person’s phone and then calling herself. “Then it’s really up to either one of us who will hit the other up,” she says. And why not take the initiative? Sow recalls being impressed after one new friend came up and introduced herself at an event. “Be cringe!” she says. “You can be cool, or you can have people in your life who love you. Pick one.”
Keep the momentum going.
The green shoots of friendship need tending. Dacus appreciates an out-of-the-blue meme: “I’ll be like, ‘Oh my gosh, in a happy moment you thought of me.’” A new friend of hers has lately been cold-FaceTiming her in short, “very delightful” bursts as a way of checking in. Some even like to keep a log of their latest interactions with friends, to make sure too much time doesn’t elapse between catchups. “I have a friend who has a spreadsheet for that, and I always made fun of her,” says Sow. Now, Sow has a system of her own — a list of names, each with the date and a few memorable details from the last meet-up. When you know you’ll be unavailable for a stretch, follow the lead of the New York-based fashion designer Jackson Wiederhoeft, 31, who has a wide and porous network that spans creative disciplines, and pencil in a future plan. “If I have a collection due in a month and I try to hang out then,” he says, “I’m going to be the worst company because my head’s not in the game.”
Expand your orbit.
Sherman, who’s helming the forthcoming restaurant at the New Museum in Manhattan, finds it refreshing to look beyond the art and food worlds. At her daughter’s school, “I’m on the garden committee and I’m Red’s mom,” she says. “There’s zero social clout” — which means she can get to know people on her own terms. Sehgal has befriended an older woman known for making near-daily visits to some of his exhibitions. “We’re of different generations and very different in style and demeanor,” he says, but her insights make for fruitful discussions. This past September, for the Dutch premiere of his work “This youiiyou,” the artist insisted she come to the opening dinner with the museum directors. Woods recently took one of his photographic subjects, an octogenarian from his Harlem community, to a jazz show. “I love being around the elders because they tell you things most young people wouldn’t,” he says. Plus, life experiences don’t always align based on age. “All my friends are in the trenches of having children right now,” says Sow, who’s single and doesn’t have kids. Without a crew of younger and older people, “my life would not be as expansive as it is.”
Get referrals, and play matchmaker.
While passing through Amsterdam recently, Dacus met a new acquaintance on the recommendation of mutual friends. “They said, ‘No ifs, ands or buts — you guys are going to connect,’ ” she says. They did, and it was an instant match. Make those kinds of offers for others and, at in-person gatherings, be a connector. “When you introduce your friends, brag about them a little bit,” says Sow. A little biographical detail “gives people something to hang on to.” Finally, rather than be territorial, celebrate when two of your friends hit it off. As Sherman, a frequent convener of people, puts it, “I feel like I’m doing something right in my life if I’m surrounding myself with all these people and there are infinite permutations between them.”
Be the inviter.
If you find yourself in a drought of social engagements, “it probably means that you’ve not been flexing the muscle of inviting people,” says Sow. When Woods was living part-time in Paris, a city whose social circles can be tightknit, he took to throwing house parties: “It opened me up to the city versus me having to go through all these gatekeepers,” he says. Sherman likes to host ladies’ nights, which, particularly during her years in Pasadena, Calif., would include upward of 40 people. To keep things manageable (and not about her work), she’d often invite an up-and-coming chef to cook, with attendees sharing in the cost, and her living room would become the site of an indoor picnic. If that feels too ambitious, try organizing an afternoon movie outing or dropping a concert link into the group chat. Just make sure it’s a specific ask rather than an amorphous bid to hang out sometime, Dacus says: “Hey, do you want to go to this restaurant on Tuesday for dinner?”
Invite yourself.
Sow, who throws a birthday celebration for herself “on the 0s and 5s,” recounts how, about five years ago, an attendee brought along a well-known actress. “A lovely person,” she says. Recently, on the eve of another big birthday, Sow got a mystery text — from this friend of a friend, it turned out — that read: “Hi! I heard that you are having another birthday party and would love to swing by and celebrate you and dance. It was so fun last time. If it’s more of an intimate thing, I totally get it. Otherwise, I wish you a very happy birthday and would love to see you tonight.” The gesture was “so classy,” Sow says. “I’ve invited myself to two parties this year because of it.”
Don’t think ‘BFF or bust.’
A relationship doesn’t have to last a lifetime in order to be worthwhile. “People get hung up on ‘forever,’” says Dacus, as if potential friends “need to pass a rigorous test because they’re never leaving.” She points to the meaningful connections she’s made on tour, the itinerant nature of which allows for a “lower bar to entry.” Sehgal’s version of this pertains to a group of people he exercises with on a weekly basis. He couldn’t tell you all of their last names but still considers them pals. “It’s an interesting way of knowing somebody, through their movements,” he says. And Sow’s of a similar mind: Whether a friendship involves daily texts or semiannual hangouts, she says, it’s “valid” as long as there’s intimacy.
Be next-level thoughtful.
After a lunch date, Sow sometimes snags a restaurant postcard and mails it to the person she ate with as a memento. “You have to do tiny romantic gestures for your friends,” she says. Sherman recommends taking a mental inventory around friends’ homes for potential gifts, as in “I got you this vegetable peeler — I know you need one.” Or send a care package with, say, a favorite tea or vintage book. Sewell recalls how the model and media personality Mia Khalifa — one of two fast friends she tapped to star in her brand’s latest campaign — hand-delivered a Cronut for her 14-year-old son’s birthday.
Team up.
“My love language is creating something with someone,” says Wiederhoeft, whose solution to an all-consuming work life is to make friends collaborators and collaborators friends. “I had a friend recently who was between jobs, and I was like, ‘I wish I could hang out, but how about I hire you for a day to come do research for me and then we’ll get a drink after?’” Sewell met the actress Lake Bell on a summer trip and heard about her ceramics practice; months later, when looking to commission cups for the cacao service at Vyrao’s pop-up in New York, she knew exactly whose “energy I wanted to bring into that space,” she says. Back in California, Sherman started a local fruit swap after noticing an overflow from neighbors’ trees. The result was like trick-or-treating, only with boxes of avocados and guavas. “I’m a project addict, and I love other people who love projects,” she says. With this one, “I met all the fruit freaks.”
Have a little grace.
“I hear people say, ‘My friend didn’t text me back within the same day’ — that’s such a rigid rule,” says Dacus. “We shouldn’t be giving each other so many opportunities for failure.” Of course, you’re right to be mindful of your needs and feelings. “Certainly do not hold out for somebody who cancels on you all the time,” says Sow. But a lapse or oversight is often not about disrespect or disinterest: “They genuinely have things going on.” When she forgot to tell a friend about a recent party, it prompted a teasing “Why am I not invited?” text. He ended up being out of town for it, so they had lunch the following week instead. “It was no drama,” says Sow. Sherman does bring up one potential sticking point: “Every person I know who’s in the natural organizer camp ends up wondering about reciprocity.” How do the frequent hosts somehow get so few invitations in return? Some instances do call for equity; play dates with small children are “destructive forces,” she says, and should be shared among households because of the sheer volume of cleanup. Otherwise, it does no good to tally the dinner parties at yours versus theirs. “If you’re doing something because it brings you joy,” she says, “you can’t be keeping score.”
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