Michael O’Reilley doesn’t always remember his wife’s name when she visits him, or even that she’s his wife at all.
“He just knows he loves me,” said Linda Feldman, O’Reilley’s wife of 39 years. “That’s a constant.”
O’Reilley, 77, has Alzheimer’s disease. Last November, during a visit at his memory care facility in Berkeley, California, he pulled Feldman close, looked at her and asked her a question she had already answered nearly four decades earlier.
“Will you marry me?” he asked.
“Yes,” Feldman replied.
When staff at The Ivy at Berkeley, where O’Reilley has lived since July, heard about the proposal, they offered to plan a wedding. The couple married for a second time on Jan. 10, in an intimate ceremony attended by family, friends and caregivers.
“There are all kinds of crises that happen in life,” said Feldman, 78. “This is one story of how love can endure.”
O’Reilley and Feldman met in 1979, when they were both public defenders in Alameda County.
“Someone told me that if I wanted to watch a really good attorney do some closing arguments, I should go watch Michael,” Feldman said. “He was just a brilliant lawyer.”
Initially, O’Reilley was a mentor and friend to Feldman, as they were both married to other people at the time.
“Sometimes we’d go out to lunch, and we sort of just got to know each other more and more,” Feldman said.
A few years later, they were both divorced, and O’Reilley asked Feldman out. She was reluctant.
“I had a young child and was newly divorced, and I just didn’t really know what I wanted to do next,” Feldman said.
But O’Reilley was persistent. Knowing Feldman was interested in forensic pathology, he sent a group email to all the public defenders asking if anyone wanted to watch an autopsy. Only two people — Feldman and another attorney — expressed an interest in going.
“He knew I would say yes,” Feldman said, adding that the other attorney who attended turned “white as a ghost” and ran out the door shortly after entering the morgue. “Then we went out to lunch, and that was our first date.”
The two dated for several years before moving in together with their blended families. O’Reilley has two daughters, now 43 and 46, and Feldman has one son, 45.
“We had a lot of fun together,” Feldman said. “We laughed a lot; we just enjoyed each other’s company.”
O’Reilley asked Feldman to marry him, but she was hesitant about a second marriage. Over time, though, she realized their relationship status was confusing to their children.
“They didn’t know how to identify us,” Feldman said.
So, they wed in a small ceremony in their living room in 1987.
“It was simple, and our reception was at a friend’s house after the wedding,” Feldman said.
They were opposites, Feldman said — she, a “neurotic little Jewish girl,” and he, an Irish Catholic thrill-seeker. They balanced each other well.
“We’ve pushed each other in different directions,” Feldman said. “I love theater and museums, and I’ve introduced him to more of that than he was doing on his own, and he’s pushed me to do things like river rafting, which I probably never would have done.”
Every year, they took their children to Ashland, Oregon, for the Shakespeare Festival.
“It was one of those times where I really felt like the family coalesced,” Feldman said, adding that they both got along well with their exes, which helped with coparenting. “We did our best to give them a good life together.”
They traveled widely — visiting China, Poland, Scotland, Spain, Ireland, France, Italy, Chile, Israel, Turkey, Mexico and Argentina, among other places — and raised their children together. For years, their life was defined by movement, curiosity and deep conversations. The couple has six grandchildren between them.
“We were interested in a lot of similar subjects,” Feldman said. “We could talk about anything.”
That changed seven years ago, when O’Reilley was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Feldman said he had been showing signs of the memory-robbing disease for years before.
Although O’Reilley has a family history of dementia — his younger brother and aunt both had Alzheimer’s — “it was a shock,” Feldman said.
Before Alzheimer’s began ravaging his mind, O’Reilley had a remarkable memory. He once delivered a four-hour closing argument with no notes.
“It was just insane,” Feldman said. “He was truly unbelievable.”
For several years, Feldman was O’Reilley’s primary caregiver at their home.
“He couldn’t even walk out the door or he’d get lost,” Feldman said. “He would talk but not make sense.”
Since O’Reilley didn’t get out much, he rarely interacted with other people.
“He’s a very social person, as am I, and I think he was very lonely,” Feldman said.
She moved him into a facility about two and a half years ago, and he switched to The Ivy in July, shortly after it opened.
“He’s mainly content,” Feldman said, adding that her husband usually smiles when she walks in the door. He is — and always has been — very affectionate.
“He’s always holding me, he’s always kissing me, he’s always got his arm around me,” Feldman said. “It’s so sweet, and he always says: ‘I love you.’”
Feldman said she knows many people with Alzheimer’s don’t recognize their spouse at all or are angry with them.
“I’m very lucky,” she said. “That sort of sustains me through all this.”
After O’Reilley asked her to marry him in November, Feldman did not tell him that they were already married, as that could cause confusion.
“You learn to go with the flow,” Feldman said.
She asked staff if she could use a small room for a wedding ceremony, and they instead offered to plan a full event.
“Every time Linda comes to see Michael, he falls in love with her all over again,” said Angeles Sticka, executive director of the senior living facility. “It was an opportunity for us to create a positive and happy experience for them.”
Staff spent weeks planning a ceremony and reception, complete with a plated lunch, florals, balloons, a slideshow and a two-tiered cake with a cake topper modeled after the newlyweds. Their original wedding album was on display.
“We treated it like a real wedding,” Sticka said. “We wanted to make this moment special.”
About 25 people attended the wedding, which was officiated by O’Reilley’s daughter, Sharon Frost.
“We used to talk every single day, and I could always count on him to be there for me,” Frost said of her father. “He’s my hero.”
O’Reilley has officiated many people’s weddings, including both of his daughters’.
“It was sentimental to me in that way to do it,” Frost said. “It was really an honor.”
Both she and Feldman were concerned about how O’Reilley would respond to the crowd and the situation, but he seemed to be overjoyed all day.
“There was no way to know what his reaction was going to be,” Feldman said. “He rallied. He somehow got that this was about us … he was happy through the whole thing.”
Feldman said she was touched by how the staff made it special for them. The wedding was covered by local publication, Berkeleyside.
“It was just extraordinary,” she said.
At the end of the reception, it was time for O’Reilley’s caretaker to bring him back to the memory care center. As her husband walked away, Feldman started to sob. She rested her head on her brother’s shoulder and wept.
“It was like the fairy tale was over,” Feldman said.
Still, even though the day ended with a painful return to reality, Feldman said the love and joy of the event will stay with her.
“It’s a story of hope for whatever people are going through,” she said. “Love can endure even the most challenging obstacles.”
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