For my first decade as a mom, any time my husband and I got in the car to travel somewhere together without our sons, my brain played a recurring horror movie: we died in a terrible car crash, leaving behind a giant mess. It wasn’t just fear; it was a reminder that without a plan, everything we cared about could be thrown into chaos.
When we initially became adoptive parents, we talked frequently about guardianship and financial plans if something were to happen to us. We wanted to make sure our children, elementary school-aged at the time, were cared for. But then life happened. Estate planning took a backseat to a schedule of soccer games, piano lessons, math homework, and sleepovers.
When the pandemic arrived, everything shifted off course. Suddenly, we had more time to think about our own mortality. And because my teaching schedule shifted to online classes, I also had time for a virtual meeting with an attorney.
It was time to cross estate planning off our to-do list.
Estate planning is not just for the wealthy
Like many people, my husband and I assumed estate planning was only for the wealthy and only mattered after you died.
We don’t own yachts, second properties, or any other markers of significant wealth. What we did have at the time were two teenage kids and a deep worry about what would happen if my husband and I both died before our sons were old enough to manage an inheritance — even if they weren’t inheriting millions.
We quickly realized estate planning isn’t just for the wealthy.
We didn’t want to leave important decisions up to the courts, and we didn’t want to leave our extended families with the stress of helping our sons figure out what to do with our home, vehicles, and financial accounts. So we decided to create a trust.
This process was difficult, but the end result was worth it.
We had hard parenting conversations
As my husband and I worked through estate planning decisions, we dove headfirst into hard conversations. Where did we want our sons — under 18 at the time — to live if we were gone? Who did we trust to make decisions about our finances? When did we think our sons would be responsible enough to handle an inheritance of any size?
Each answer brought up new questions and angles we hadn’t considered. We talked with my siblings and our parents about their plans and turned to friends to offer other perspectives. None of these topics were easy, but they were all necessary.
Perhaps most importantly, we asked deeper questions: What kind of legacy did we want to leave behind for our children? How did that impact how we lived now?
Planning for death forced us to get clear about our plans for life.
We created a robust plan
We may have overplanned, but it gave us confidence that our sons wouldn’t inherit more than they could handle. We named back-up trustees who would help our sons navigate any complex legal processes, and we were even able to make contingency plans for our sweet family pup.
Our estate plans also included healthcare directives and financial powers of attorney. Now, even though our sons are both over the age of 18, they won’t be forced to make seemingly impossible medical or financial decisions on their own if we both become incapacitated. Instead, we’ve named other loved ones who can step in to help in those worst-case scenarios that run through my active imagination.
When we signed our documents, we knew every i was dotted and every t was crossed. We did it for our sons.
We walked out of the attorney’s office with a sense of relief, but that was only the beginning of what I’d learn about why these plans matter.
Our kids won’t inherit chaos
I eventually worked in the estate planning field for a couple of years, providing even more evidence that we made the right decision.
I fielded call after call from distraught loved ones who wanted to avoid the probate process after the death of a loved one. I listened as family members revealed the deep wounds and shattered relationships resulting from poor estate planning. These conversations confirmed that the expenses, hard conversations, and time invested in our estate plans were well worth it.
It was also helpful for me to understand that these plans, although legally binding, can still be revisited and revised as circumstances change. Hopefully, we both live long enough to experience the joys of grandchildren and retirement. Then we can amend our documents as needed so our legacy endures.
If one day, God forbid, our robust plans are ever needed, we have the peace of mind knowing our sons won’t inherit the chaos they are forced to untangle. We’ve made the investment now so they won’t face unnecessary hassle later.
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