I was recently celibate for a year. Not out of choice, but because I was grieving the loss of a past relationship.
After much post-breakup drawing out, I had finally cut ties with an ex. Ending all communication affected me in ways I hadn’t foreseen, even when I was already dating other people.
As much as I tried — and even though I was filled with desire — I couldn’t open up physically to anyone. But after several months, the distance allowed me to see that relationship for what it had been. I put it behind me and opened up to the possibility of healthy intimacy again.
That’s when I met someone much younger than me.
Opening up was a slow, intentional process
One day, while searching on Hinge for someone who might help me come out of celibacy, I came across the profile of a 25-year-old man who seemed handsome and interesting.
I didn’t mind that he was 10 years younger. But I had other misgivings, like the fact that he lived 35 miles away. I sent him a “like” anyway.
He sent me a message right after matching. From the first few interactions, I noted that he was thoughtful, curious, and a true gentleman. He didn’t wait around to ask me out; he was self-assured yet not cocky. I really wanted to like someone enough to be intimate, and his chivalry gave me the kind of reassurance I needed at that point.
I met him a week later for drinks, and we had a nice time. However, toward the end of our date, he revealed that he was moving to another city. I encouraged his bold decision, but I also quietly decided that I would never see him again. Even though I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, I felt lazy about investing time and energy in someone who was leaving. I wanted something sustainable.
Then again, when we hugged goodbye, I felt his strong, sexy back — and figured I could be a little flexible.
I was surprised by our intimate connection
We kissed at the end of our second date, and then I was in. For me, physical connection is important. Every time I had turned someone down before, it was because I hadn’t enjoyed the kissing or the touching.
After we had sex on our third date, I knew I’d done the right thing by waiting. I wasn’t just attracted to him; I felt a physical ease with him. Before we did anything, he asked me what I liked. He was attuned to my body and to our conversations. He was present and playful. In turn, I felt an absoluteness every time we had sex.
Beyond the sex, we connected over our experiences as artists — inspiration, creativity, ambitions. These are all things I value deeply. In contrast with my previous experience, I felt there was mutual curiosity, support, and respect. He wasn’t threatened by my dreams because he wasn’t expecting me to give up anything for him. I relished this freedom. In him, I found exactly what I’d been seeking: not a boyfriend, but a real emotional connection.
Even though it was short-lived, the fling was worth it
We saw each other for three months, until he left. When I realized how much I liked him, I knew his departure would be hard for me, but I accepted his transience and the certainty of future pain for the respite he gave me.
The way I see it, this fling was a gift from life, light, and lightness after so much darkness and heaviness. He came along to lift the spell the past had over me and to help me reconnect with what gives me pleasure. Most importantly, he made me feel safe.
What we had gave me the reassurance that those experiences are out there, and that good sex and real connection are, indeed, well worth waiting for.
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