I am part of a friend group of seven women. One of us talks incessantly and obsessively about her adult daughter’s boyfriend. The rest of us make gentle jokes about it so that she’ll stop talking about him. We avoid asking questions about him, and we don’t say anything to fuel further conversation about him when she brings him up. Most of our children have significant others, but we don’t talk about them unless they are pertinent to the discussion. I find myself avoiding this woman because I don’t want to hear about the minutiae of the boyfriend’s life. This has been going on for two years now. Any advice?
FRIEND
I am going to take you at your word: The seven of you are friends, which means that you care about one another on some level. Still, for two years now, none of you have taken this woman aside privately to say: “You talk about your daughter’s boyfriend so much. Are you worried about their relationship?” Maternal concern seems as likely an explanation for her single-mindedness as obsession with her daughter’s romantic partner.
I get that making jokes about your friend’s fixation may have seemed like a gentler way of resolving this problem when it began. It is also more passive-aggressive than simply stating your complaint directly. But avoiding your friend, as you now claim to do, rather than noting a minor conversational annoyance makes me wonder about the depth of these friendships.
It also makes me think about group dynamics. In general, it is better for friend groups to lift up their members than to trade eye rolls between some members at the expense of others. Try to take care of one another — which can sometimes mean making an uncomfortable point for the benefit of the group. And if you do speak to your friend about this issue (privately, please), I can almost guarantee that you will uncover a simmering worry or that the boyfriend will recede as a topic of conversation.
Real Anxiety Over an Imagined Bris
A close friend is expecting a baby. If it’s a boy, my friend will certainly invite me to the bris. I value our friendship and want to celebrate this new chapter in his life, but I have a deep-seated objection to the circumcision of infants for nonmedical reasons. These babies have no say on an important matter. I simply cannot attend, and I don’t want to lie about why I won’t be there. Is there a way to handle this gracefully?
FRIEND
Everyone loses perspective occasionally. Here, you have cast yourself as a major character in events in which you are a bit player. Your friend is having a baby. That is not merely a “new chapter,” as you put it; it is a momentous life event. But to take a step back: You don’t know that the baby will be a boy or that the parents are planning a bris (the ritual circumcision of Jewish boys soon after birth to mark the covenant with God).
It is hard for me to imagine factors less important than your opinion about circumcision or even your attendance at the phantom bris. Do not share your unsought views about the religious rituals of others. Simply decline the invitation — after offering hearty congratulations on the baby’s birth. No explanation for your absence is necessary.
Make Yourself at Home! Within Reason.
I live in a cottage on a lake, and I often invite guests to stay with me. I enjoy the company. Unfortunately, some of them take it upon themselves to go through my drawers and cabinets when they are looking for something. I start each visit by asking my guests to let me know if they need anything. I resent it when they open cupboards on their own and go through my things. Is there a gentle way to handle this?
HOST
When I am a guest, I hear invitations like yours — “let me know if you need anything” — as a generous offer to bring me more towels or an extra blanket, not as a prohibition against opening a few kitchen cabinets when I am looking for a teapot in the morning.
You haven’t been explicit about the level of privacy you want or the specifics of where it’s being invaded. But I agree that you are entitled to it in your home. So, revise your welcome as needed — perhaps something like: “Let me know if you need anything. I’m particular about my cupboards and drawers, so please don’t rummage through them. I’m happy to find you anything you want.” That should do the trick, right?
A Sparkle Is a Sparkle Is a Sparkle?
I gave my fiancée a synthetic diamond engagement ring. But she thinks it’s a natural diamond. Do I have to tell her the truth?
FIANCÉ
Of course you do! (And I assume you know as much.) Your fiancée may be thrilled that you were able to buy a larger synthetic stone at a fraction of the price of a natural one — or that you sidestepped the ethical issues that often surround mined diamonds. Or she may be disappointed. But you know that she is operating under a false assumption, and your failure to correct it is a bad start to a new chapter in your relationship.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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