When I was single throughout my 20s, I used to dread spending Valentine’s Day alone. Of course, as a lover of love itself, I’d still find ways to celebrate with my girl friends or even by myself. Still, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of isolation and longing, watching happy couples express their love for and commitment to each other.
But then I’d reflect on past relationships, realizing I’d actually felt far more fulfilled and at peace by myself than I did with some of my previous partners, one of whom didn’t even bother getting me a card because “Valentine’s Day is just a commercial holiday.”
Needless to say, the holiday doesn’t need to trigger grief or loneliness. In fact, it can serve as a reminder that you’re unwilling to accept mediocre love.
If you need some extra support this Valentine’s Day, we got you covered: Tam Kaur, self-love expert and author of cult-favorite self-love guide Buy Yourself The Damn Flowers, shared five tips for enjoying Valentine’s Day as a single woman.
1. Trust Your Timing
We all have different timelines and storylines. While your best friend might have met the love of her life in high school, you might meet your soulmate in your mid-30s.
Take it from me: I thought for sure I would marry my college sweetheart, yet I found myself grieving our six-year relationship in my mid-20s. I spent the following five years learning how to find comfort in my solitude while also braving the dating scene.
“Just because other people are in relationships doesn’t mean you’re behind in life,” says Kaur. “Everyone has their own lessons, their own timeline. Relationships don’t automatically mean happiness, and many early relationships are simply experiences we need to grow.”
We never know what’s going to happen in life, or when it’s going to happen. While you might view marriage as the end-all, be-all, unfortunately, nothing is ever guaranteed. Don’t take your single era for granted. It will only strengthen your resilience and sharpen your appreciation for true love and companionship.
“If you’ve been single for a long time, there’s a reason for that,” Kaur says. “It might be protecting you or allowing you to build a stronger sense of self.”
2. Learn to Enjoy Your Own Company
When I was forced to be alone—living alone, being single for years, and working from home as a freelance writer with no consistent colleagues—I learned a lot about myself. But rather than fighting my loneliness during my solitude, I dove deep into it, exploring the fears and insecurities that once kept me small in relationships. In doing so, I also discovered my passions, hobbies, and dreams in life, all of which were—finally—not influenced by others.
“If you hate being alone, it’s usually because you haven’t built a relationship with yourself yet,” Kaur points out. “I encourage you to get curious about who they are. What is your actual personality? What are your values, triggers, and desires? The goal is to become your own best friend and truly in-tune with yourself.”
3. Date Yourself With Intention
Like with most priorities in life, intention is everything. If you’re committing to dating yourself, make sure you intend to deepen your relationship with yourself, not to attract a new partner.
“Solo dating is transformative, but if you’re spending your solo dates hoping to meet someone, you’re missing the point,” says Kaur. “Instead, set intentions for your solo dates. That could be a chance for reflection, inspiration, rest, joy, or emotional processing. When you go out with a purpose, you stop scanning the room for attention and start being present with yourself.”
4. Decenter Romantic Attention
As humans—but especially as women—we have been wired to center romantic attention and companionship. While it’s completely natural to crave love, it shouldn’t be your only focus—nor should it replace all the other important assets in your life. Don’t lose yourself in your pursuit of finding someone else.
“Trying to be chosen gives away your power. When your decisions, appearance, and behavior revolve around being desirable to someone else, you’re slowly abandoning yourself,” says Kaur. “Instead, you want to be unapologetically self-centered during singlehood and make choices based on what you want for both your future emotional well-being. When you choose yourself first, confidence and self-respect naturally follow.”
5. Value Your Singlehood
Some of my favorite memories are from my single era, when I spent nights out with my friends, weekends in with my family, and days at the cafe writing novels, unbothered by the absence of a significant other. That’s not to say I didn’t want to find love someday—and I did, in fact, find it. But that period of my life helped ground me in who I truly am today, allowing me to build more authentic, lasting connections.
As Kaur points out: “One day, you might meet someone, and your entire life will change. You’ll share decisions, space, time, and energy, and you may never experience this level of independence again. This realization should change everything.”
The post 5 Ways You Can Enjoy a Solo Valentine’s Day This Year appeared first on VICE.
