My son and I had a conversation a while back in which he laid out to me why he was breaking off a relationship that he had hoped would lead to marriage. His explanation was thoughtful, articulate and intelligent. He never severed the relationship, however, and some months after that conversation, he announced that he and the woman were engaged.
For background, my son was previously engaged for a period of time, and that breakup, though mutual, hurt him deeply. He is in his late 30s and feels pressure to be married and start a family.
My experience tells me that he is making a poor decision in going through with this engagement and that he will pay for it. As a father who has tried to intimate but not directly address my deep concerns, I am at a loss for what to do. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your son once gave you a cogent account of why he shouldn’t marry the woman who then became his fiancée. You think he was right then and is wrong now. Fair enough. Parents may see patterns in their children’s lives that the children, being in the thick of it, do not. The fact that your son has reversed course doesn’t necessarily obviate his earlier concerns; loneliness, social pressure or renewed hope may have clouded his view of things. And helping those we care for to see their situation clearly is one of the duties of loving relationships, including familial ones.
But it needs to be done with kindness and humility. You should be able to talk through your worries in a way that doesn’t sound as if you consider the case closed. Better to probe than to proclaim. You might ask him whether the concerns he once raised still feel significant or if they’ve come to seem less decisive in light of other considerations.
You should then listen carefully; don’t be too sure that you have a better grasp of the situation than he does. (That’s the “humility” part.) He may reveal developments that reassure you, or have a sensible explanation of why his priorities have changed. But it’s his life, so either way I hope you make it plain that you’ll support any choices he finally makes and that, if he goes ahead with his plans, you’ll welcome his wife to the family.
Thoughts? If you would like to share a response to today’s dilemma with the Ethicist and other readers in the next newsletter, fill out this form.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was struggling with whether to tell an old friend who had been diagnosed with cancer that she was dating her ex-husband. She wrote:
About a decade ago, a close friend and her husband separated after a long marriage. We originally met through our children and bonded as she supported me through career challenges and our shared experiences with separation. My friend and I eventually drifted apart; despite my attempts to reach out a few years ago, I never heard back. I also knew her husband through a support group, and we developed our own friendship over time. Six months ago, I learned she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. More recently, her husband and I, both divorced, unexpectedly fell for each other. We have proceeded with care, mindful of the history. She has now reached out asking to reconnect. I’ve postponed a meeting, feeling paralyzed. I don’t want to lie, but I dread telling her that I am dating her ex-husband while she’s seriously ill. Yet it feels cruel to simply disappear. What is the ethical thing to do here? How do I preserve honesty without causing unnecessary pain? — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
You didn’t betray your old friend by falling for someone she was married to, long after they separated. (The folkloric rules about avoiding a friend’s ex lose force when it’s the friend who broke off ties and the breakup was years ago.) But as you recognize, you would be letting her down by ghosting her now. The complications here are obvious. Once you take up with her again, you’ll implicitly be offering yourself as a supportive presence in a difficult time — and you’ll be doing it while you’re in a relationship with her ex. To conceal that fact, though, means re-entering her life under false pretenses. If, once you’ve told her the truth, she doesn’t want to see more of you, it will be sad, but it will also be her choice.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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I suggest that you move slowly. Become reacquainted and allow space for your friend to share what’s on her mind or why she reached out. You may learn something about this moment in her life. There is catching up to do and no reason for your new romance with her former husband to be one of the first topics. And perhaps she’s already heard about your relationship and will bring it up herself. In the meantime, focus on your friendship. Very likely, after time together, you will sense when it’s right to be transparent about this moment in your life. Just not immediately. — Anne
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I wonder if the letter writer is overlooking the possibility that her old friend has already caught wind of her ex-husband’s new relationship. She might be summoning her for a confrontation — or to give her blessing. — Michael
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This is a secret that your friend doesn’t need to know. Even when a marriage ends in divorce, there are still feelings, and there’s no sense in bringing on more pain for her. But the person who should really decide is the ex-husband, as he would know her best. — Michele
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I agree with the Ethicist. The letter writer sounds like a person who would need to be honest in order to be truly present for her former friend. (Also bear in mind that Stage 4 cancer, while the worst stage to be at, can still be treatable.) It’s easy to say that the sick person should be spared the pain of knowing, and under certain circumstances that may be true. But coming from a family where there was a great deal of secrecy around a dying parent, I know from experience that truth has a power of healing all its own. — Ellen
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I agree that you should meet with the friend, and when you do, you’ll get a better idea of her situation and her health. If she doesn’t have much time, I would stay silent. If she is in treatment and there is a longer time frame, then I’d open the conversation with this: “I have something difficult and potentially painful to share with you, and I want to be honest. If, after hearing what I have to say, you no longer wish to see me, I will completely understand. And in advance, I beg for your forgiveness for causing you any additional stress.” — Diane
The post Should I Try to Persuade My Son to Break Off His Engagement? appeared first on New York Times.
