Asking the older people in your life questions isn’t just about recording a birth location, marriage date, or occupation to flesh out a family tree. It’s far more revealing—and rewarding—to probe the wisdom that lives in their hearts or in the deepest chambers of their memory, rather than on any certificate.
“Facts are not what you’re after,” says Suzanne Russo Adams, an associate professor of family history and the director of the Center for Family History and Genealogy at Brigham Young University. “You want to invite storytelling, listen more than you talk, and follow the emotion, not chronology.”
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Where should you start? We asked experts to share their favorite questions to spark those deeper conversations.
“What are some of your earliest memories?”
Ask someone what they had for lunch the day before, and you might get a shrug. But ask them to share an early memory, and you’re in for a treat. “You’re going to get those things that are really, really important, because they’re the things that stick,” Russo Adams says. In addition to prioritizing open-ended questions, let your loved one talk without interrupting them, she advises. The more they free-associate, the more hidden gems they’ll unlock, and the deeper your understanding becomes.
“Can you tell me about the house you grew up in?”
As an anthropologist, Elizabeth Keating gravitates toward questions that shine light on what life was like for other generations. She’s fascinated by questions about cultural space, so she asks older people to describe the home they grew up in. “It puts people back to when they were children,” says Keating, a professor emeritus of anthropology at the University of Texas at Austin and author of The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations. “They say things like, ‘We had a kitchen and a wood stove, and I remember my mother baking bread, and of course the oven door didn’t have any kind of a thermometer on it, so she would stick her hand in there and say, ‘Well, that’s ready now.’”
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You might learn that your grandfather had a telescope and astronomy books in his room, Keating says, or that your great-aunt grew up in a one-room house with no indoor plumbing. You can also ask clever follow-ups: “What did you see when you looked out your bedroom window?” “What was your favorite room in the house?” Or: “Did you have a dining room table you all sat at together for meals?”
“How did you get to school?”
Every year, Keating instructs her students to ask their grandparents a handful of questions that can help uncover unique memories. She’s delighted by the stories they bring back to class, like the one about the older woman who grew up in Minnesota and rode a horse to school with her two brothers.
“It was such a funny story,” Keating says—and a reminder of how easily these moments can disappear unless someone asks.
“What smells, sounds, and images trigger nostalgia for you?”
This is a delightful way to access memory through the senses rather than facts, and it often leads to detailed, surprising answers that are rarely written down or passed along. Plus, it inspires lots of follow-ups. “You can go down a number of rabbit holes—it might lead to them telling you about a certain holiday that was associated with a smell or sound, or a place that had significant importance to them,” says Arielle Galinsky, who co-founded The Legacy Project, a non-profit that promotes intergenerational storytelling by connecting college students with older adults. “Maybe they’ll tell you about the place where they had their first date or got married, or maybe it’s something from their career that they’re really proud of.”
“What do most people not know about you?”
Older adults often hide things about themselves, either because they don’t think they’re interesting or because no one has ever asked. That’s why Galinsky likes this question, or a slight variation: “Tell me something you don’t tell a lot of people.” She’s found that people often disclose fun tidbits that they hope can live on, even after they’re gone.
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“I’ve learned about people’s stories from their career that were really meaningful to them—moments of pride that they kind of internalized and didn’t share with others because of being humble,” she says. “It’s always a good ask.”
“Did you have a relative whose face ‘froze’ in a grumpy position because they didn’t smile enough?”
Russo Adams borrowed one of her favorite questions from psychologist Robyn Fivush, who authored a popular framework that can help families pass on their history to younger generations. The question is lighthearted, yet remarkably relevant to many people. “It’s so funny because I always show a picture of my husband’s grandmother,” Russo Adams says. “I have not found a picture of her where she’s smiling, and he’s like, ‘Well, the story is that she was pretty serious.’” In addition to inspiring your loved one to open up, you’ll get to learn about someone from their past, too—a bonus story to add to your collection.
“What did you wear when you were a kid?”
If the older people in your life are buttoned-up about their childhood fashion choices, try nudging them toward a story. You might learn about a school uniform, the hand-me-downs worn day after day, or even a flour sack their mother turned into a dress.
When one of Keating’s students asked her grandfather this question, she learned that as a young boy, he had yearned for a pair of Levi’s, but his family couldn’t afford them, so he had to settle for a cheaper brand. Finally, after months of pleading, he received a pair of the famous jeans for Christmas—but the first time his mom washed them, she cut off the red Levi’s label her son was so proud of. At the time, he was devastated—but decades later, he and his granddaughter shared a good laugh.
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“It’s the kind of story that probably wouldn’t even occur to people to tell, because it’s about ordinary life,” Keating says. “It’s not about some big event. What’s more interesting is these stories about what went on every day: the baking of the bread or getting to school or these intergenerational battles about clothing.”
“What was dating like?”
One of the best ways to bond with someone in a different generation is to ask them about “courtship practices” when they were young, Keating says. Sometimes, her students tell her, their grandparents initially give them a skeptical look—but then they open up. “At any age, the decision about a lifetime partner or any kind of partner is fraught with uncertainty,” she says. “It’s such a big part of people’s identity and how they’re going to live, and the struggle is shared across generations, whether people are in their 80s or 20s.” You might learn that you have more in common with the older cohort than you initially assumed, and walk away with insights you can apply to your own life.
“What’s something you’ve always loved to do?”
This is a terrific way to counteract common misconceptions about older generations. “There’s this image of aging—this public perspective of decline,” Galinsky says. Your loved one might feel like they’ve lost their spark, so prodding them to share enduring interests can be deeply validating. “It reminds them of the goodness that’s continued throughout their life, whether it’s a hobby or spending time with their family,” she says. “It’s often an uplifting question because it reminds them that there’s been this joy, even with all the ebbs and flows.”
“When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see?”
One of Galinsky’s favorite wrap-up questions is to ask people to reflect on what they see when they look at themselves in the mirror. The answers usually go deeper than physical appearance. “It’s generally an introspective look at how they view themselves over the course of their life, and how that shapes their present-day perception of who they are and what they embody,” she says. “It can unlock a really beautiful response.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email [email protected]
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