My sister and I have an unusually close relationship. A few years ago, we traveled with a small group of mutual friends. Now, those same friends have invited me on another trip, but they told me that my sister is not invited. She can be extremely challenging when she travels. (Think: the ugly American causing a scene.) She’s had therapy to address the issue, but it is still difficult to be around her when she is away from home. I want to travel with these friends. But should I decline the invitation out of respect for my sister — tell them that she and I are a package deal? Or should I explain to my sister that I want to go on this trip without her?
SISTER
It’s hard to imagine anyone faulting a close relationship between sisters — until it keeps one or the other of you from leading a fulfilling adult life. I don’t want to read too deeply into your brief letter, but your “unusually close” relationship with your sister seems to have persuaded you that there is something wrong in traveling without her. There is not!
I understand that your sister’s prior experience traveling with the group makes things trickier. But it sounds as if even she would acknowledge that the previous trip was not successful. Travel requires flexibility that can be difficult for some people. There are certainly worse faults, but it isn’t reasonable to expect friends to invite a difficult traveler to join them again, or for you to issue ultimatums about including her.
And I think you can explain this compassionately to your sister — even if she is stung by the exclusion. Remind her of her wonderful qualities that more than make up for her difficulties with travel. You can even offer to practice being out of control and on the road together for a few days, if traveling is important to her. Still, tell her that you are joining the group — for your fulfillment — and that you hope she understands.
Return to Sender. (Please?)
We sold our home recently. The buyers asked to move in a week sooner than planned, so I asked a friend if we could stay in her vacant house that week. She agreed, and I sent her a Venmo payment of $1,000 as a token of thanks. Later, I saw that I had mistakenly sent the payment to a former friend who moved away 11 years ago. I contacted her, and she was pleasant: She agreed to return my money as soon as she figured out how to do it. I sent her a charge request and texted her the next day. Nothing! So, I texted again, and she replied: “Stop texting me.” Then I sent her a video and a voice mail message, so she wouldn’t think it was a scam. Still nothing! Venmo says they can’t do anything because I sent the money to a verified contact. Help!
OUT A GRAND
You made an honest mistake, and I agree that it should be rectified. But in most cases, sending electronic payments to known contacts is like handing cash to people on the street. If we later want them to return the money, the best we can do is to ask them — which you have done. (New technologies often bring new problems.) But there is no crime here, and I am setting aside the notion of a civil suit for unjust enrichment because that seems extreme.
I also wonder if your friend may feel overwhelmed by the volume of communication from you if you haven’t been in touch for 11 years. She didn’t ask you to send her money. And your error doesn’t make this her emergency. I would lie low for a couple of weeks and then send a final request, appealing to her better angels. Hopefully, she will comply.
Unless You’ve Got Two Wheels, Step Aside
I am an avid cyclist. My city has miles of off-road bike paths next to separate pedestrian walkways. Still, I often pass pedestrians in the bike paths — which is annoying, since their marked paths are just a few feet away. Is there a helpful way to remind pedestrians that they are on the wrong paths?
CYCLIST
Unless you believe in a community of pedestrians who will pass on the “helpful” information you provide, I don’t believe that communicating with individual pedestrians is the solution here. Ask your City Council to provide better signage — noting the danger to pedestrians of being struck by fast-moving cyclists in the bike lanes.
Barking Mad
Our neighbors adopted a dog. It barks for hours, and our backyard — once a peaceful oasis — is not usable when the dog is outside. They admitted they bought a bark collar to curb the noise, but they are fearful of using it. When I raised the issue again later, they said the barking had improved. (It hasn’t!) Now they are giving me the cold shoulder. Help!
NEIGHBOR
There is freedom in the cold shoulder: You have less to lose now. Ask a local veterinarian for the name of a reputable trainer and tell your neighbors: It’s the trainer or the Department of Animal Control. You could even offer to contribute to the cost of training since the noise seems to bother you more than it does them.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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