Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My stepdad died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago, and my mom let me move in with her. Her place is huge, so she doesn’t want to live there alone. She can’t sell the house because she didn’t really inherit it; she can live there until she dies, then it goes to my stepbrother. My mom doesn’t charge me rent; she said I should save and invest the money instead, so it’ll be there when I do get a place. She doesn’t try to run my life, and I have plenty of room, plus there’s a pool, sauna, tennis court, etc., so it’s a great deal and we both benefit.
This arrangement makes my dad and stepmom crazy. They keep telling me it’s hurting me since I’m not living in the “real world.” And they complain that they can’t visit me at my home. My parents are okay with each other but haven’t been in the same room since my college graduation six years ago. My mom and stepmom don’t get along. But I go over to their house all the time, so it’s not interfering with our relationship.
My dad and stepmom even made my little sister ask why I’m living still with my mom — because no way a 15-year-old is asking that on her own.
I am banking money, I cook for myself a lot of the time and do my own laundry. With work, dating, getting enough exercise and sleep, life is hard enough. Why should I deliberately make it harder on myself just to prove a point? How do I shut them down while staying on good terms?
— Living With Mom
Living With Mom: The “real world” comment is too silly to dignify with analysis beyond this: You’re saving money while making your mom’s awkward arrangement a little less so. Seems real to me. I assume the walls and furniture conform to the laws of physics.
Even if your parents’ objections weren’t giving off disingenuous fumes — “We can’t abide your mother,” just say it! — this would still be 100 percent your business, zero percent theirs. Not subject to their opinions.
Now, if they wanted to express their frustration that “they can’t visit me at my home” — and instead of trying to frame it as bad for you simply admitted it’s bad for them and they wished they could feel comfortable visiting — then, okay. That’s enough of their business (barely) for you three to have one straightforward conversation about that. One.
But hammering at it — this obstacle or anything else — once again makes it trespassing into your business.
You handle trespassers with a fence backed by enforcement. The fence is: “You’ve made your views clear. I’m through discussing my living arrangements with you.” The enforcement is a flat refusal to engage if they ignore your fence: “Next topic.” Don’t flinch, flip out or take any bait.
As for your “good terms,” even if the fence is sweet and pretty, people often react poorly once they learn they can’t trespass anymore. Whose fault would you say that is?
It’s uncomfortable, sure. But your dad and stepmom just don’t get a say in where an adult-you lives and what you’ll debate with people. If they expect one and are willing to punish you emotionally to get it, then it starts to make sense why they’d take this living arrangement so hard.
Re: Dad and stepmom: Their roping in your little sister to keep prying into this situation for them, frankly, bothers me. A lot.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Thanks, that’s an answer unto itself, isn’t it? Control freaky.
But the older sib can provide a counterexample next time. Or maybe it’s counterprogramming.
Younger sib: [comment parroting parents].
Older: “Huh. What makes you say that?” Or a prompt: “Interesting. What would you do in my place, then?” Then engage on the various points. “Right, I might want X too. But then I’d have to do Y and Z.”
In other words, instead of coming back reflexively with defenses or explanations for living with Mom, draw out the little sister to get her thinking for herself. (Dad and stepmom will love that.) It says you’re not dismissing hers as kiddie opinions while subtly saying nope to any parental propaganda.
Re: Dad and stepmom: I’d say they are jealous they don’t have the same deal. Or that they can’t provide the same deal. Damn! Can I come live there? Your mom sounds great, and saving for your future is suchhhhh a goooood idea. Take it and DON’T LOOK BACK!!
— B.
B.: Right? We might all land on her doorstep with toothbrush and jammies in hand. (And tennis racket and flamingo pool floatie.)
The post Carolyn Hax: Grown kid’s rent-free deal with mom makes dad and stepmom ‘crazy’
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