Dear Miss Manners: At a dinner event I attended at a hotel, the tables were 10-foot rounds with tablecloths that went to the floor. The dinner was buffet style, but we were all wearing semiformal attire.
The woman sitting next to me pulled the tablecloth up from the floor and set it on her lap, proudly saying that she wasn’t going to get any food on her gown. If she hadn’t made this announcement, I likely wouldn’t have noticed she did this. The tablecloth was black, as were our napkins.
Would Miss Manners provide guidance on this practice?
George Washington already did!
General Washington, as he correctly wished to be called after his presidency, was a master etiquetteer. It was he who issued the first rules of American protocol, so that it would be dignified without aping European court life.
Much earlier in life, as a schoolboy, he had copied down a list of etiquette rules circulated by Jesuits. And Rule 100 had to do with the misuse of the tablecloth.
True, it specifically prohibited using the tablecloth to clean one’s teeth, and your dinner companion was at least not guilty of that. Nevertheless, the rule should be understood in a broader sense: that the tablecloth should not be put to personal use. Its job is to cover the table. A cloth that may be used to protect the lap from spills, and for patting crumbs or sauces on the mouth, has been issued: the napkin.
That should settle the etiquette aspect. You are surely not going to defy George Washington or, for that matter, argue with a bunch of 18th century Jesuits.
But you have left Miss Manners with the vision of a table laden with glassware, plates and food — and someone pulling on the tablecloth. Not a good idea.
Dear Miss Manners: We are a blended family. I invited our adult children to Thanksgiving. They responded by asking if “other people,” i.e. nonfamily members, might be there. I said possibly. They approached my husband (their father), and emphasized that they want only family members at Thanksgiving.
Is it rude to dictate the guest list when you’re not hosting the party?
Didn’t you just say you were a family? And now you are a hostess outraged about guests’ usurping your privileges?
Surely the children of the family may ask if Thanksgiving dinner can be limited to relatives. You and your husband should consider their reasons, which strike Miss Manners as a possible interest in family bonding.
But they should also listen to your reasons — “But then our widowed neighbor will be alone” — if you decide to include others. And you will be pleased to know that you do, indeed, get to make the final decision — not merely as hosts, but as parents who have weighed everyone’s feelings.
Dear Miss Manners: If you say, “Would you come for Thanksgiving?,” is that an invitation or a demand?
An invitation, if you insert the word “please.” Otherwise, it sounds a bit iffy, as in: “Would you come if I asked you?”
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2025 Judith Martin
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