I eat fermented food, sometimes with a a dash of turmeric, all to maintain a healthy gut. What I don’t do is trust it. And that must change.
I’ve done it for as long as I can remember: poll people, phone a friend, or even ask a stranger what they think about something. I’ll do anything to have others weigh in on decisions, to lighten the load. It’s gotten so bad that sometimes I feel I’m one step away from asking a Magic 8 Ball, “Will it all work out?”
I need to stop being afraid to make my own choices.
I’ve always been this way
“What’s your favorite?” I ask the waiter. I always do this as if a stranger’s taste will be in line with mine. Worst yet, I usually order it. And in the end, it rarely pans out. Everyone tastes things differently. If only I’d go with my gut more.
Depending on others to make major choices has been a big part of my life. In my 20s, I decided to move to California but was torn between the prospect of living in San Francisco or Los Angeles. I had returned from the Peace Corps, so it seemed strange to head to Hollywood after such an experience. I did what I always did. I polled people. Lots of people.
I really wanted to try LA. Yet, I moved to San Francisco based on the feedback I received. I went during the dot.com boom and thus spent the majority of my time looking for housing. And while I did get the chance to work for a cool company, I lost my job within a year. Had I trusted my gut, I could’ve opted for sunshine, easier housing, and being near my best friend.
Who knows how differently my life would have turned out if I trusted my instinct. I think most of us know what we want to do; we are just afraid to trust ourselves.
Change is hard
I’ve tried to stop asking for help, but my friends are so used to doling out advice, even when I politely ask to stop, they can’t seem to. This especially holds true for my dating life. It has gotten so bad that sometimes my friends wrote texts for me to send potential suitors.
I know it comes from a good place, but I finally realized I no longer want advice from people who are removed from the experiences. Instead of asking my married friends about my love life, I’d rather ask the girl in my building who met her husband on Hinge later in life. I’ve learned, that advice works best from those who have gone through it.
I need to trust my own gut
The same goes for giving advice. When I first began having success as a writer, a lot of people reached out to me for tips, and when I told them about the classes I took and my tenacity, they simply ignored me. It wasn’t advice they were after, but a quick way in. Advice is more than a word; it is an anthem, and it usually isn’t easy to heed.
Curiosity and questioning are essential for expanding our tastes, but sometimes we really do need to look inward. I now realize that many people, no matter how well-intentioned, have a limited periphery and give advice based on their own self-concept. Did you ever get your hair cut by someone with horrible hair, or a doctor who smokes? Maybe they aren’t the best ones to entrust yourself to.
I’m not sure why it has taken me so long to let go of my advice addiction, or to realize I had one to begin with. But as I get older, I realize that I’m more than capable of making my own informed decisions. Even if I’m wrong, I know I can learn from my own mistakes. In fact, I am dying to. That is the only true way to learn anything. I only wish I had realized this sooner.
So yeah, if I buy new clothes, I may ask which one to wear, and if I want a great book, I’ll ask around, but for everything else. Well, I think I got it from here.
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