My mom and her brother have been estranged for a year. Their attempts at reconciliation have failed. She calls me frequently to vent about this and to ask for my advice about getting him to apologize. My mother insists that my uncle is entirely at fault, but I suspect otherwise. She sends me transcripts of their conversations with sections conspicuously missing, and her behavior has blown up close relationships before. I try to stay out of it to avoid her anger, but I know this estrangement upsets her deeply. I doubt they will ever reconcile if she refuses to acknowledge any blame and insists that my uncle apologize. Is there a productive way to suggest that she examine her role in this conflict? The venting sessions are becoming hard to take.
ADULT CHILD
My mother also had a hard time acknowledging when she was wrong. In her case, I think, she fortified a fragile self-esteem with steely insistence that she was always right — and other people were wrong. It held her back. So, I sympathize with your mother: She seems not to understand that mistakes don’t make us bad people; they make us human! I feel for you, too, trying to steer a warrior toward peace, and for your uncle, who may be exhausted by his sister.
Now, your mother is a different person from mine. She may be open to a gentle suggestion that conflicts are rarely resolved with one person’s total victory. This never worked on my mother, though, and the fact that yours is selectively relating portions of conversations that favor her doesn’t make me terribly optimistic about yours. But you can certainly try it.
Here’s some bigger advice, though. Now that my mother is gone, I wish I had spent less time trying to change her (which was never going to happen) and more time appreciating her good qualities: her boundless love and fierce loyalty. You may need to take breaks from your mother occasionally when she wears you out. But that probably beats making her worst quality the centerpiece of your relationship. Because we can’t change people; we can change only how we respond to them.
A Splurge Fit for an Octogenarian
As I approach my 80th birthday, my wife and I disagree about how to celebrate it. I have one item on my bucket list. It’s expensive — $10,000 — but we can easily afford it. My wife thinks it’s a waste of money and claims she would be embarrassed if we bought it. She spends money on all sorts of things that I wouldn’t, but I never object. I think: To each, his own. She recently bought a very expensive watch, for instance. I don’t own a watch. She wants me to buy one, too, but she won’t give me approval for the thing I really want. Help!
HUSBAND
Is it possible that you are conflict-averse and haven’t shared your persuasive theory of independent choice in marriage with your wife? Because, otherwise, it’s hard to understand the gap between her expensive purchases and her attempts to thwart yours. Speak to her about the importance of mutual support in relationships. If she still resists, I think you should buy your bucket-list item anyway. It will be a shame if she can’t cheer you on, but that’s no reason to squelch your desire.
Refusing to Stand for a Friend’s Sitting
I have a friend who is obese and unable to walk — even to the bathroom. He sits in a recliner 24 hours a day and chooses to toilet in the chair, too. A friend helps him, enabling this behavior. Social services and medical professionals have been involved, but the situation has not improved. I would love to visit, but I draw the line at the unhygienic environment. I miss my friend terribly. Do I owe him a visit?
FRIEND
You seem to be missing the forest for the trees here. If your friend is unable to walk — which happens occasionally with people who are obese and feel terrible pain in their joints with the pressure of so much body weight on them — using a bedpan in the recliner may be his best option. And singling out this one way in which your friend’s predicament is challenging seems oddly ungenerous to me. Still, if it’s not possible for you to rethink this situation or to visit without judgment, it’s probably better to stay home.
Team Building Without the Bigotry
I play pickleball weekly with a group of 12 guys. Afterward, we hang out over drinks. The conversation gets bawdy, and a few of them take it too far, using misogynistic and homophobic slurs. I spoke to the instigator to ask him to stop using that language. Initially, he was responsive, but once word got out about my request, I was seen as the P.C. police, and now the slurs are flying again. What should I do?
PICKLEBALLER
It is far worse than politically incorrect — which sounds like sugarcoating to me — to use slurs against women and L.G.B.T.Q. people. They demean actual human beings! Since talking to the instigator failed, try the bystanders. The next time you hear a slur, say to the people around you, “You’re OK with this homophobic nonsense?” They may not be. And if they are, I would find a new pickleball group.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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