As the new year draws closer, I’ve been doing some reflecting. At 30 years old, I still sometimes doubt my own sense of self. I grew up with debilitating OCD that often overrode (and still overrides, at times) my intuition, which is perhaps the most divine connection we have to ourselves. I often find myself wondering who I even am—and whether I can even trust my own judgment.
What do I value? What are my needs in a relationship? What do I want out of life? What are my boundaries?
These personal queries often haunt and overwhelm me, as I find myself morphing into what might be deemed “acceptable” to society.
This begs the question: How much of us is shaped by external forces and expectations? Where does our identity begin and end, and how might we draw clearer lines?
Both in therapy and along my own self-healing journey, I’ve learned more about who I am without forcing myself into a neatly labeled box. Sure, I have room to grow in this area, but my progress is a testament to honest self-reflection.
Here are some tips for getting to know yourself better—no matter how old you are.
1. Spend More Time Alone
I’m convinced the only time most of us are fully ourselves is when we’re completely alone. Perhaps that’s a depressing notion, but it has quite a simple fix.
Take yourself on solo dates or schedule some downtime to unwind without friends or loved ones around. Notice how you feel. Are you uncomfortable in your own company, or do you thrive in isolation? How are you compelled to spend your time? What kind of clothing do you wear? What type of music do you listen to? Do you catch yourself dancing or singing in your kitchen while cooking dinner? What are some quirks you pick up that you wouldn’t otherwise express in public?
The more time we spend alone, the better we get to know ourselves, and the more authentically we can show up in social situations and in our relationships. If you spend too much time around others, you might unconsciously pick up behaviors or patterns you don’t even align with. Push through the uneasiness of solitude—there’s often a lesson within that discomfort.
2. Journal Through Confusion or Hard Feelings
I know, I know…it seems everyone recommends “journaling” nowadays, often without any sort of guidance. But through a ton of trial and error, I’ve discovered the most meaningful and beneficial way to journal for self-discovery.
Often, when faced with a difficult situation, we seek external opinions and advice from friends, family members, and even the internet. I used to scour Reddit for input from random strangers before validating my own feelings. My search history once looked like…
“Is it wrong to be upset by [valid reason to be upset]?”
“Am I crazy for wanting [valid want/need]?”
“How do I handle [very complex situation that requires personal reflection and an individualized approach]?”
In other words, I was outsourcing my own identity. I didn’t let myself have an original thought or human reaction, unless it was first validated by someone else. This disconnect is common in people with OCD, but it can happen to anyone—especially in today’s highly critical world.
Instead of looking to others for answers that only I have, I began to write in my journal. First, I’d start by asking myself how, exactly, I was feeling in that moment, and whether something triggered the reaction I was experiencing.
Then, I would ask myself how my body interpreted the signal. What narrative was I feeding myself? Was it backed by facts, or was it just an assumption?
Usually, from here, I would find a natural rhythm, almost like a conversation between me and my “higher self.” I’d go back and forth between asking and answering questions, reassuring myself when needed—but not obsessively.
Within days, I began to notice a massive difference in how I responded to external stressors. I found clarity in myself and felt less compelled to rely on someone else’s POV. After all, who’s to say someone knows me better than I know myself? And why would I value advice from random strangers (or even loved ones leading different lives than I am) more than my own?
3. Don’t Limit Yourself
When defining ourselves, many of us feel pressured to fit into a certain box or view our roles as our identities. For example, a mother of three boys might label herself a “boy mom” as if that’s all she is. An aspiring novelist might deem himself a “struggling artist” without factoring in all the other parts of himself.
Not to mention, social media makes it seem like we must fall under certain “aesthetics” or market ourselves as “brands” to find success and community. Don’t feed into this belief. You can be whoever the fuck you want to be, changing your personal style or music taste depending on your mood, shifting in and out of different “roles” as you please.
Acknowledge yourself as the multifaceted, authentic human you are—and never shrink yourself down to fit someone else’s mold.
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