It was a quick trip to the hardware store. Having my two youngest kids in tow didn’t seem like it would be a problem. After all, I don’t think they’ve ever been to a hardware store before. The smell, the paint samples. This would be a fun, novel experience. Right?
The automatic doors parted, and my 6- and 4-year-olds squealed, running to the toy displays near the entrance. You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. Since when did a hardware store become the latest battleground for parents trying to run errands without kids asking for more stuff?
Luckily, this isn’t my first rodeo. I’m a mom of three, a former preschool teacher and parenting coach, and the founder of Parenting on Mars. This essentially makes me a professional hostage negotiator when it comes to kids. I have a way of getting in and out of stores with my children without meltdowns, without more stuff, and most importantly, a more connected relationship with my kids.
I always act interested
When my kids show me something in a store, I do my best to be interested — like actually interested. When our kids show excitement about something, it’s a goldmine of opportunity for parents. We get a better picture of their interests and inner world, and sharing in those interests is prime for connection.
So when our kids see something they just have to have in a store, it’s important that parents tune in and go beyond acknowledgment. Dip your toe in the excitement.
You might say to your child, “No way! I can totally see why you love this. Oh and look, it lights up!” When parents say this sort of thing, they don’t just validate or acknowledge their interest; they join in it with them. This is what builds connection, and connection drives cooperation.
Take a picture
A number of years ago, I started taking pictures of the things my kids found in stores. What started out as a way to remember what they wanted for their birthday became a steadfast tradition anytime we’re out and about.
Once the photo is snapped, my kids usually move on. Sure, they might ask to show the picture to their dad when they get home or take a look at it later in the day, but usually, it’s the taking of the photo that’s the important part. It communicates to my kids that I’m not only interested in what they like, but I’ll also make the effort to remember it for gift-giving time.
They feel heard and seen, and their little brains and bodies don’t have to fight to have it now because it’s not completely going away once we leave the store.
I make sure to use the pictures
Kids give out major bonus points if you actually use the pictures during gift-giving times. For me, the photos come in handy when grandparents ask for gift ideas. I don’t have to type it all out and find links; I just forward along from my camera roll.
The best part, kids will notice. This builds trust in the process. Your kids come to learn that you don’t just take the picture, you remember. You care about what they like.
Sometimes, I give them a little
“You can get something, but you can’t get everything.” This is a phrase I’ve adopted in the last few years, and it has helped me set expectations in the moments that I do agree to buy my kids something from the store.
Of course, there are limits on what that something is. After you tell your child they can get something, you then define the something. For me, it sounds like: and that something may be something you can fidget with or something you can have for dessert. I don’t do this every time I’m out with my kids, but every once in a while, it can help keep the peace.
Parents should always say “no” when the answer needs to be “no.” When that’s the case, you get to say, “No. Not today, love. But I’ll take a picture!”
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