At over 1,700 years old, Santa Claus could probably teach biohackers like Bryan Johnson, Dave Asprey and Gary Brecka a thing or two about longevity.
But it would seem pretty clear that it’s magic — not supplements, wonder drugs like GLP-1s or high-tech “human optimization devices” — that has maximized his life span.
That’s especially true because, according to many experts, Mr. Claus is at risk for lots of serious health conditions due to his less-than-optimal lifestyle.
Scientists and doctors point to Santa’s obesity, poor diet, potentially high stress levels and repeated chimney trips as major threats to his health.
“I’m confident that he would benefit from treatment of both diabetes and high blood pressure,” Annika Rosengren, a professor at the Department of Emergency and Cardiovascular Medicine at University of Gothenburg in Sweden, said in a 2009 report.
“And cholesterol-lowering drugs would probably not hurt either. As if that wasn’t enough, new research shows that his abdominal obesity is a risk factor for dementia.”
Poor diet
The Swedish researchers noted that living in the North Pole means Mr. and Mrs. Claus have some healthy food available to them, including spring water, reindeer meat and salmon.
But families around the world leave him treats that aren’t so good for you — and certainly not in the quantities he eats. These include cookies and milk in the US, cookies and beer in Australia, rice pudding in Denmark and Sweden, and sweet mince pies and sherry in the UK.
“His [lung] capacity may be such that wheezy monosyllabic utterances, such as ‘ho ho ho,’ are all that he can routinely muster.”
Dr. Roshan Vijayan
“Mr. Claus eats too much sugar and saturated fat,” stressed Mette Axelsen, a senior lecturer in the Department of Clinical Nutrition at University of Gothenburg. “The foods that people give him are very energy dense. I’m thinking of candy, rice pudding and high-fat cuts of meat. People generally gain about half a kilo (1.1 pounds) over Christmas.”
Too much sugar increases the risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease, fatty liver disease, high blood pressure and inflammation, while overloading on saturated fat can build up in your arteries, raise your cholesterol, and up your risk for heart disease and stroke.
Sleep apnea, diabetes and diverticulosis
Dr. Janneme Frouws, who noted that she does “not personally treat Santa Claus,” warned of the health issues she thinks he is facing in the British Columbia Medical Journal.
She diagnosed him with obstructive sleep apnea, which can increase the risks of attack, stroke, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes.
In fact, she thinks he like already has type 2 diabetes, a chronic condition that requires ongoing management and can lead to other health problems like heart disease, high blood pressure and cholesterol, kidney failure, gum disease, digestive issues, nerve damage and blindness.
She also suspects he has diverticulosis, an intestinal condition linked to obesity, a diet low in fiber, and too-little exercise.
Heart disease
While his diet and weight put him at risk for heart disease, his activity patterns could be gearing him up for a catastrophic heart event. For 364 days of the year, Santa is largely sedentary — since his elves are known to make and wrap the presents.
All of that is disrupted by one night of extreme physical exertion has he flies around the world delivers gifts, which he carries himself down chimneys. It’s unclear if Santa does any lifting or cardio in the gym to prepare.
Lung issues
Does anyone actually clean their chimneys before Santa comes to town? It doesn’t seem so, meaning he’s been exposed to quite a bit of soot over the centuries.
“It seems feasible that cumulative exposure to these conditions might result in some form of chronic interstitial lung disease while alighting in tobacco smoke-filled living rooms might contribute an obstructive component,” Dr. Roshan Vijayan wrote in The BMJ.
“Indeed his functional residual capacity may be such that wheezy monosyllabic utterances, such as ‘ho ho ho,’ are all that he can routinely muster, with the break neck speeds of his open sleigh necessary to deliver continuous positive airway pressure support.
Santa needs a check-up, STAT
In yet another article published in the journal JAMDA, Dr. John E. Morley speculated that St. Nick could be at risk for:
- Hhypertension
- Coronary artery disease
- Hypertriglyceridemia
- Nonalcoholic fatty liver disease
- Deep vein thrombosis
- Pulmonary embolus
And a super-spreader to boot
From the flu to COVID to regular old colds, Santa is surely exposed to everything as he travels to millions of homes around the world — and he’s likely bringing those germs to the next house he pops into.
Then there’s everything he’s picking up at mall photoshoots.
“Unsuspecting little Johnny gets to sit on Santa’s lap, but as well as his presents he gets H1N1 influenza,” Dr. Nathan Grills wrote in The British Medical Journal (BMJ) in 2009.
In fact, Dr. Mark Dembert, an epidemiologist, even wrote about the phenomenon of “Sick Santa Syndrome” in a medical journal back in 1986.
“I know of no epidemiologic work published on the morbidity associated with being Santa Claus,” he said. “However, my background as an infectious disease epidemiologist and my several years of experience as a seasonal but well-traveled Santa for kids and adults alike prompt me to describe a new syndrome.”
Sick Santa Syndrome, he said, has some combination of the following symptoms: low-grade fever, muscle aches and pains, headache, nasal congestion, mild sinusitis, painful swallowing, cough, increased thirst, decreased appetite and enlarged lymph nodes.
“There is little one can do to prevent the syndrome. Influenza shots are warranted for this high-risk population. Vitamins may be worthwhile,” he wrote.
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