At every holiday party, there’s that moment when the food hits, you pop that second bottle of wine, and you realize the host’s bathroom is five feet from the dining table. The door also gets stuck every time you need to open it, and it’s a damn scene.
Apparently, most of us would rather clench through the entire evening than risk becoming a story someone tells at brunch. A new survey from bathroom retailer QS Supplies, based on responses from 1,000 adults in the US and UK, found that 56 percent of Americans avoid pooping at holiday parties. Brits came in right behind them at 53 percent.
The same survey found bathroom anxiety runs high at these gatherings, with 61 percent of Americans and 58 percent of Brits saying they feel it.
This makes sense in the bleakly relatable way so many holiday traditions do. Your stomach meets dairy-heavy casseroles, cookies, and a drink that somebody keeps refilling, then your brain remembers the host’s bathroom has a line, no fan, and a decorative hand towel that screams, “do not touch me with your filthy hands.”
QS Supplies found that 69 percent of respondents said festive foods increase bathroom usage. Why do we do this to ourselves? They also reported toilet paper use bumps up during the season, from three rolls a week to four in the US, and from four to five in the UK.
The survey even calls out dairy-heavy dishes and alcohol as the biggest culprits for sending people back to the bathroom, which feels like an accusation aimed directly at my love of cheese.
Then there’s the social pressure around being a good host, which now apparently includes making sure nobody has to face an empty roll in their hour of need. According to the survey, 55 percent of US residents and 58 percent of UK residents stock up on toilet paper before the holidays, and 75 percent of respondents said running out reflects badly on the host. Nothing says seasonal joy like the fear of being silently judged for a bathroom supply chain failure.
The survey also unearthed a detail that I wish I could unread. Sixteen percent of Americans said they often experience “ghost poops,” defined as wiping and finding nothing on the toilet paper. Thirteen percent of Brits said the same. The human body remains a mystery.
If you’re thinking, it’s fine, I’ll just hold it, doctors would like a word. Cambridge University Hospitals, part of the UK’s NHS, puts it bluntly. “Do not ignore the urge to pass a stool” because it can make constipation worse.
The real holiday etiquette rule might be simple. Put out extra toilet paper. Keep a little background noise going. Maybe set out some Poo-Pourri. And let your guests be human for five minutes without feeling like they’re committing a crime.
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