Dating is difficult at any age. Dating when you have a child is complicated. But, when you decide to date after the passing of your partner, there’s even more to consider. I was 48 when my husband succumbed to cancer. My daughter was almost 10.
Why would I want to date? I was heartbroken. A piece of my life and my entire vision of the future had been ripped away from me. I didn’t want love. I wasn’t interested in a replacement. I’d lost the illusion of forever.
I just wanted conversation, companionship, and a new way of looking forward and reimagining. But, any kind of reimagining requires imagination and reconciliation. I was parenting a traumatized child while also trying to care for myself.
What would my daughter think about me dating? Would she think I was betraying her dad?
I didn’t tell my daughter I was going on dates at first. I didn’t bring anyone to meet her until I’d had a few positive dates. I didn’t introduce her to anyone I didn’t think of as potential friend, a good person.
I was clear with everyone I went out with that I wasn’t looking for something permanent and that I certainly wasn’t looking for a new dad for my daughter. My daughter adored her dad, and rightfully so. She had thoughts on the few people I did introduce her to:
“He’s too young for you.”
“He likes you too much.”
“I don’t have a good feeling about him. Even if he got me a good present.”
And, eventually, “He seems pretty chill.”
Then, when you find someone you’re interested in seeing, there’s the challenge of when and where
Solo parenting is not single parenting. My daughter didn’t split time between me and another parent. I couldn’t tell a potential date, “my daughter’s with her other parent this weekend — I’m free.”
I had to define what my boundaries were and enforce them. So, no one could be in the space I shared with my daughter. I couldn’t make him dinner, invite him in for drinks.
There’s also not a lot of free time for a solo parent with a full-time job. I needed to be there for soccer, Girl Scouts, school plays. Those were nonnegotiable. I wouldn’t date someone who wanted me to prioritize them over my daughter.
There were also internal challenges I had to settle for myself
Dating as a widowed parent means accepting a need for connection and feeling guilty for wanting it at the same time.
What did it say about me? Did it mean that my feelings about my husband hadn’t been sincere? Was it fair to the men I went out with?
I wanted conversation with people who didn’t know me in my married life, people who could see present and future me, but who also wouldn’t push too much for a future with me.
Even with so much to consider, dating has not only been possible, but it’s been positive
Despite all of the challenges, I’m not only making it work, I’m thriving. I’ve met some really good people who want connection, whatever that looks like, in this iteration of our lives.
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