My parents got divorced when I was little. They do not have a good relationship and rarely speak. I’m in my 20s, and when I come home for the holidays I like to spend time with my dad’s family. My aunts and grandparents have always made me feel loved, and I enjoy being around them. The problem is that my mom wants me to spend an equal amount of time with her.
She counts time I spend with my dad’s family, even when he’s not there, as “his time.” She gets angry or passive-aggressive when I mention my dad or his family. I want to make my mother feel loved, but when I do spend time with her when I’m home she often takes to critiquing me, not making time for me, or yelling.
My mom’s family and my dad’s family live over an hour away from each other, and when I’m home I do not have a car or the financial means to put myself up in a hotel. Staying with my mom can sometimes cause her to be angry at me in person, and not staying with her can cause her to be angry at me for weeks after the holidays.
I want to have an honest conversation with my mother about how I use my time during these visits, but I can’t do that without the looming threat of anger. How can I avoid making every visit home one where I end up in tears?
From the Therapist: This isn’t about the logistics of how you choose to spend the holidays. It’s about the emotional stakes your mother attaches to them.
I see this often in acrimonious situations where one or both parents treat the divorce as an ongoing competition to see who “wins” the family members, friends, assets and, of course, any children involved — as if these so-called wins compensate for what has been lost emotionally. The fact that your mom refers to time spent with your father’s relatives as “his time” highlights this mind-set. She isn’t seeing you as a grown person with your own preferences, but as a child who’s part of a scorecard.
In adulthood, you no longer have to participate in this competition. A healthier relationship with your mother and, by extension, a more enjoyable holiday visit, will require you to make two shifts — one internal, one external.
Internally, you’ll need to let go of the idea that you’re responsible for regulating your mother’s anger, disappointment, loneliness or grief. Many children of divorce grow up believing that they need to manage other people’s emotions because the adults around them don’t do a good job of finding ways to deal with the understandable pain that accompanies divorce.
During a marriage, each spouse generally turns to the other for support. But in a divorce, that support is gone, and friends and family don’t necessarily have the skills or patience to guide someone through this life-changing event. Enter the children, who try to create some semblance of peace by doing emotional care-taking of the adults around them, a pattern that can persist for years or decades.
But as you’ve seen, no amount of accommodation solves the underlying problem. When you stay with your mom, she’s angry at you during your visit. When you don’t, she’s angry at you for weeks afterward. The common denominator isn’t your choices; it’s her inability to manage her own feelings about those choices. She’s using control to soothe her feelings, and control is the very thing pushing you away.
To end this cycle, you’ll have to remind yourself (notice I say yourself, not your mother because this is an internal shift) that your mom’s feelings are hers to manage. This will take practice, but the more you do this for yourself, the more you’ll see that your role is to make choices with clarity and compassion, not capitulation. It’s an illusion to imagine that you can control her anger, get her to see that your love for your father’s family doesn’t diminish your love for her, or fill the void left by her divorce.
That’s where the external shift comes in. You can be honest with your mom when you can reassure yourself that you aren’t responsible for her reaction.
That truth might sound like:
I love you and want a relationship where our time together feels good. Right now, the pressure around “equal time” makes it hard for me to relax with you. When you get angry even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, it makes it hard to be together, and I want a close relationship with you. I’m not choosing between you and other family members. I’m choosing to have relationships with everyone I care about. So here’s how I’m going to spend my time when I’m home for the holidays.
Then you articulate your plans. If she gets angry, remind yourself that her anger is information about her pain, not a command for you to obey. If she retaliates with criticism or silence, you can let her know that from now on, you’ll make other arrangements when you visit until she’s ready to create a welcoming home. You can remind her that what you seek is connection, not distance, but in order to have it, she needs to see you as the adult you are — a daughter with two parents you love deeply and the freedom to choose how and when to see them.
She probably won’t respond well at first. But over time, holding steady — being warm, clear and consistent — gives her the chance to adjust to a new realization: that your autonomy doesn’t threaten your relationship unless she makes it.
By making these shifts, you’ll see that the real question isn’t how to keep your mom calm during your visits. It’s how to stay grounded in yourself while allowing her to feel whatever she feels. That’s where the relationship you want becomes possible.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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