Are you in love with an ex who just won’t seem to let you go? They don’t want you, but they don’t want anyone else to have you either…it’s a tale as old as time.
And look, I’ve been there. After breaking up with me and telling me he needed to be alone, one of my exes kept texting me for months, saying he missed me, dreamt about me, and believed we would end up together someday.
He’d ask whether I was dating, imply no one would “get me” the way he did, say he loved me, that I was his future wife…but any time I asked, “okay, then why aren’t we together?”, he’d tell me, “it’s just not the right time.” Finally, I eventually came to my senses and cut off all contact.
A few weeks later, he was meeting his new girlfriend’s family.
Why an Ex Might Hold You Emotionally Hostage
My story is not unique. Many of my friends and loved ones have clung to exes and the false hope they’d provide them. Exes aren’t always intentionally malicious; sometimes, they’re just deeply lonely and dissatisfied, no matter how much attention or validation they’re receiving.
“Exes who had trouble coping in the past may struggle with separation and reach out again. Wanting access does not mean wanting a relationship, and exes may contact you out of loneliness or a need for reassurance,” says Dr. Wildaliz Caro, PhD, a Medical Contributor at Aura Recovery Center.
However, “At times, some exes may keep coming back or try to keep you attached to them through manipulative behavior,” she adds.
Looking back on it, I realize just how gullible I had been with my ex.
I also realize that someone who actually loves and cares about you would never treat you this way. They’d want you to heal, to find someone who could give you everything you deserved—everything they couldn’t give you.
But unfortunately, some people are selfish in love. They take, take, take, and expect you to continue pining after them for years post-breakup, despite them moving on with someone else.
Letting Go of the Lingering, Possessive Ex
The wild part of my story is that my ex had done the same to his ex while we were together. He’d still text her almost daily, send her pictures that made him think of her, remind her how much he cares. I thought I was being a trusting, secure girlfriend by accepting this behavior, but really, I was enabling his disrespect throughout our entire relationship. It’s no wonder this continued post-breakup.
While it’s difficult to admit, it wasn’t my ex’s responsibility to protect me or my feelings. It was mine. And I hadn’t done that for myself.
At this point in my life, I don’t care what untrue labels are thrown my way—jealous, insecure, controlling—I know who I am and the boundaries I need to feel respected, prioritized, and loved in a relationship. And this started with cutting off my ex and, in time, opening myself up to someone new.
“Set one clear boundary: ‘I am not available for further contact,’” Dr. Caro advises. “Some people simply are not able to step away from their past relationships. You need to take appropriate steps to stop them contacting you if you don’t want them to.”
This might mean blocking them on social media and distancing yourself from mutual friends who don’t respect your boundaries. For my own mental health and healing, I had to remove my ex from my Instagram and cut off a friend who just loved to update me on his dating life. It took patience, discipline, and lots of teary-eyed self-reflection, but eventually, I was able to process the breakup and better understand my needs in a relationship. I’m forever grateful to myself for taking the time and space to heal on my own before jumping in to a new connection.
I don’t recognize the girl I was a few years back, when I’d dig my fingernails into false hope like it was my only chance at love. I think many of us can relate to that feeling. When you’re invested in a relationship with someone you truly love, it’s natural to cling to that connection and attempt to salvage whatever is left of it post-breakup. And the wrong people will take advantage of that loyalty. Emphasis on wrong, no matter how “right” it might have previously felt.
Don’t let your ex keep you from meeting your soulmate. If they’re anything like mine, they’re still entertaining you while exploring someone new. But hey, maybe I’m just jaded.
The sooner you let them go, the sooner you’ll realize they were never going to grow into the partner you needed them to be. And the sooner you’ll align with someone who already is that person.
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