We live in a lovely apartment building with our two young sons. Our apartment tends to be warm, so we keep the windows open, and we have equipment on the balcony for supervised play. A new neighbor moved into the apartment downstairs. She sits on her balcony and often smokes several cigarettes an hour. So, our balcony and apartment are flooded with carcinogens and cigarette smoke. Even when we close our windows and balcony door, the toxic smell lingers. We left her a kind note, but she continues to smoke. I asked the building management company for help, but the only relevant provision in our lease is a requirement to be a good neighbor. I think that smoking violates that provision. What can we do? I’m losing my mind as this woman subjects my family to harm!
NEIGHBOR
I sympathize with you: I would have tremendous difficulty living with cigarette smoke, too. I am not an environmental scientist, but I know that the harmful effects — and unpleasant odor — of secondhand smoke don’t simply disappear because the smoke is generated outdoors.
It was wise of you to complain to your neighbor pleasantly. You never can tell what a polite request might yield. (I’m sorry it didn’t work here!) It may be difficult to stop your neighbor from smoking in the absence of a no-smoking clause in your lease. You can argue that she is interfering with your common-law right of quiet enjoyment of your home. (I’ve seen this work — though not precisely in the context of a balcony.) Or start lobbying the landlord to ban smoking on the premises.
In the meantime, you may want to keep your balcony door and the adjacent windows closed and experiment with air filters and purifiers. I know how frustrating it must be to have your home invaded by unpleasant and harmful smoke. But the faster you move from “losing my mind” to taking proactive steps, the better off you and your family will be. Good luck!
Picking Up the Train, and the Bill
I am the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding. This will be the first time I’ve been in a bridal party or attended a bachelorette weekend. I’ve taken charge of organizing the trip. Is it expected that the other bridesmaids and I will cover the bride’s share of expenses? I’m worried that if I ask the bridesmaids to split the costs, they will be upset — and that if I don’t, the bride will be offended. Help!
MAID OF HONOR
If only there were 10,000 books and websites on this subject. Kidding! (Sort of!) Bridesmaids typically cover the bride’s share of a bachelorette party or getaway. But more important — and this goes beyond the wedding arena — it’s always a good idea to communicate your assumptions with others in advance: “This is what I’m thinking. Does it work for you?” You don’t want to plan a trip that’s more expensive than the other bridesmaids can afford. Make sense?
A Most Hospitable Confiscation
After installing new wood floors and area rugs, we want to ask guests to remove their shoes when they come into our apartment. I’ve always been hesitant to do this: Shoes are an important part of an outfit. I also want to ensure that our guests are comfortable when they comply. How should we do this? Provide a basket of freshly laundered socks or clean flip-flops?
HOST
Your request is not uncommon these days — both for hygienic reasons (lots of dog poop and pesticides out there) and for the protection of flooring. I would rather get a heads-up about your no-shoes policy in advance and bring my own slippers. (I am not a fan of wearing other people’s socks or flip-flops.) Be mindful, too, that some people need to wear shoes to help with balance and to prevent pain. And make sure to have seating nearby to make changing footwear easier. But all of this can be handled with grace and flexibility. Just be patient and keep smiling!
Her Top Issue? The No. 2 Problem.
A contractor has been to my home twice and asked to use the bathroom both times. Given the length of time he was gone, he did not simply urinate. So, I cleaned the bathroom after he left as I would have after anyone had used the facilities in that way. I resent the extra work! Is it reasonable to ask that he do his business before he arrives?
HOMEOWNER
It’s “My Home Is My Castle” Week! Let’s assume your contractor was pooping — and not merely responding to emails or taking a while to urinate. It’s unclear from your letter whether he was working in your home all day (or for several days) or simply there for an hour or two. In the latter case, it’s reasonable to ask him to take care of his bathroom needs before he arrives. (You can mention this to him before his next visit.) But if he’s there for a bigger job, consider designating a guest bathroom — if you have one — for the length of the project. And wait to clean it until the job is finished.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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