Some people seem super comfortable walking into a room full of strangers or sitting through a job interview without questioning every word that comes out of their mouths. The rest of us are still ruminating about some embarrassing thing we said three weeks ago. Or for me, three years ago.
Confidence can seem like something you’re either born with or you’re not. But a recent Psychology Today article suggests that some of it comes from how we respond to nerves, disappointment, and everyday situations that make us doubt ourselves. Here are five habits that could help.
1. They Stop Trying to Calm Down
Anyone who’s been nervous before a big presentation knows how difficult it can be to relax. Your heart’s racing, your palms are sweaty, and telling yourself to calm down is useless. Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks explored another approach in a 2014 study. Participants who said “I am excited” before karaoke, public speaking, or math tasks performed better than those who said, “I am calm.”
Anxiety and excitement produce similar physical sensations, so changing how you interpret those feelings can help. You might still be nervous, but thinking of that energy as excitement could make the experience easier to handle.
2. They Give Themselves a Break
Think about the last time you screwed something up at work or said something stupid on a date. How much time did you spend replaying it afterward, wondering what everyone thought? Chances are, they’re not thinking about that or you at all.
Psychologist Kristin Neff has studied self-compassion extensively, including how it differs from self-esteem. Feeling good about yourself is relatively easy when things are going well. Being patient with yourself after a mistake takes practice, especially if you’re used to being your own harshest critic.
3. They Pay Attention to What They Can Control
You can spend hours preparing for a job interview and still not get hired. Maybe someone else had more experience, or the company decided to promote internally, you really have no idea. You could spend the next week wondering if you answered something incorrectly, but you might never know why they chose someone else.
Psychologist Albert Bandura studied something called self-efficacy, or how much faith people have in their ability to get things done. His research found that people who believe they can handle difficult situations are generally more willing to keep trying when things don’t go their way. You might not get the job, but preparing for the interview and knowing you gave it your best shot can make rejection a little easier to take.
4. They Let Themselves Feel Disappointed
Even confident people get rejected, and sometimes it really sucks. You can spend weeks hoping something will work out, only to find yourself right back where you started. It’s okay to be pissed off or disappointed for a while without immediately looking for the lesson in it. Some things just don’t go your way, no matter how badly you wanted them to.
The important thing is what happens after that initial disappointment. One rejection can easily turn into weeks of second-guessing yourself, especially when you start picking apart everything you said or did. Giving yourself time to get over something is healthy. Convincing yourself you’re never going to succeed because one thing didn’t work out is a different story.
5. They Know How to Say No
If you hate disappointing people, saying no can feel almost physically uncomfortable. You agree to help with something you don’t have time for, accept plans you’d rather not, and somehow end up with a schedule full of obligations you never wanted.
You don’t owe everyone an explanation for why you can’t do something. Of course, saying no can feel uncomfortable when you’re used to keeping people happy, especially if the person asking doesn’t take rejection very well. But agreeing to something you already know you’ll resent isn’t doing you any favors.
Confidence takes practice, and you’ll probably still get nervous before interviews or replay an awkward conversation in your head occasionally. But getting better at handling those moments can make them easier to live with. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, at least you haven’t spent the entire day telling yourself you’re an idiot.
The post 5 Things Confident People Do Differently, According to Psychologists appeared first on VICE.
