My adult daughter and I had a heated argument three months ago. In my anger, I said something that insulted her. She had agreed to take care of me for two weeks after surgery, and when I learned that she planned to be away for some of that time, I snapped. I was wrong, and I apologized sincerely. Still, she told me she wanted no contact with me, and she has stuck to it. I suggested family therapy, but she said she doesn’t have the time or the inclination. (She is a busy mother of four.) She told me to work on myself before she would consider reconciliation. We have no history of major disagreements, and to me, this seems like a tempest in a teapot. I was always welcome at family events. Now, I am beside myself with grief. What should I do?
MOTHER
You are in pain, and I am sorry for that. I’ve had several conversations in recent years with adult children who have gone “no contact” with their families — and several more with parents of adult children who have severed ties with them. In every case, the parents maintained, as you do, that there was a single episode that caused the rupture, while the children reported that the break was years in the making. I can’t speak to your experience, but I suspect that this pattern may be instructive.
Another observation — which, again, I won’t assume applies to you — is generational: My parents, for instance, believed that family was everything. So they took a lot of guff from their parents and siblings — who, in turn, tolerated unpleasantness from them. But my siblings and I are more focused on our mental health and well-being: You can push us only so far before we make our exit.
Now, I am not a therapist, but I think it would be helpful to you — and it would probably mean a lot to your daughter — if you discussed this conflict with one. I know you believe that this blowup resulted from a single episode, but a good therapist may help you uncover patterns of behavior with your daughter that might help you overcome your difficulties — or at least go back to her with greater insight.
Not (Yet) in My Backyard
A friend of mine is selling his home. He heard from a local contractor that the house next door is going to be torn down and replaced with a three-story condominium. This would substantially obstruct the views from my friend’s home and reduce its value. But my friend hasn’t heard anything from his neighbor, the town or anyone else. He just has this secondhand information from a contractor. Does he have an obligation to disclose the rumor to potential buyers?
FRIEND
None of us know what our neighbors might do. They are bound only by zoning (and similar) rules and required notices. And putting aside any “not in my backyard” sentiment, we don’t know for certain how this potential project would affect the views or the value of your neighbor’s property. In any event, he has no obligation to share rumors with prospective buyers. The world is brimming with plans that never come to pass.
Tinkering With a Treasure
My mother gave me two pairs of earrings that were either hers or my grandmother’s — I’m not sure. They sat, unworn, in my jewelry box for years, so I had them remade into pieces that I would wear. But I didn’t ask my mother if she would mind. Recently, she asked if I wore the earrings. I told her they were too fancy for daily wear — which is true, but I didn’t mention that I had them remade. I’m going to see her at a family gathering soon. Should I avoid wearing them? I hate lying, but I’m afraid she will be hurt if I tell the truth.
DAUGHTER
I can’t tell from your letter if these earrings are heirlooms, though it seems you might not know, either. Frankly, I would have advised you to discuss your plans with your mother before you had them remade, but no sense in crying over spilled milk. They’re just earrings — and she didn’t ask you not to change them.
Don’t wear them to the party, though, until you have spoken with your mother. Say: “I’m afraid I’ve done something that might upset you. I never wore the earrings you gave me because they’re so fancy, so I had them remade into pieces I can wear every day — and think of you when I do. I should have talked to you first, though. I’m sorry.” Then see how she responds.
Celebrate Your Love, Not a Date
My husband and I will be celebrating a milestone anniversary next year. The month in which it falls includes many religious holidays that will make party planning difficult for our guests and for us. But the previous month poses no such conflicts. Is it a breach of etiquette to celebrate an anniversary a month before the actual date?
PARTY PEOPLE
I can’t imagine better manners than being considerate of your guests! Feel free to schedule your anniversary party on any date that’s convenient for you and for them. Congratulations in advance!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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