Toxic and unfulfilling relationships are unfortunately common today (haven’t they always been?), and many of us don’t even realize the role we’re playing when settling for less than we deserve.
While no relationship is perfect, and every connection goes through hard times, some remain stagnant and even damaging for years—simply because no one is willing to be honest and walk away.
Does this sound like you? You’re certainly not alone, nor is it too late to make a change. Here are five lies we tell ourselves that keep us trapped in unhealthy relationships.
1. ‘I Can’t Handle Being Alone’
Many of us stay in relationships out of fear of being alone. However, we often fear the exact thing we need the most.
If you’re willing to settle for less than you deserve or desire simply because you don’t want to be single, that’s a clear sign you need to learn to live solo for a bit. That doesn’t mean you won’t—or shouldn’t—desire companionship. Rather, it means you should reach a place where you won’t compromise your values and needs just to get it.
2. ‘It’s My Fault’
You should never take sole responsibility for your relationship’s problems, as it takes two to tango. Telling yourself “it’s all my fault” might be tempting, as it gives you more control over the situation. For example, if you truly believe you’re the reason your relationship is falling apart, then at least you can make the necessary changes to salvage it. However, admitting that your partner is partially to blame means you acknowledge that you alone cannot fix it.
Of course, accountability is essential in any relationship. We all can and should continue to work on ourselves throughout our lives. However, if you constantly blame yourself for your partner’s poor choices or negative treatment of you, you’re only enabling them and disrespecting yourself.
3. ‘They Will Change’
I can’t even count the number of times I’ve told myself this exact lie in past relationships. If you’re someone who hates giving up on the people they love, odds are, you’ve repeated this line as an affirmation of sorts, hoping one day, it would become your reality.
Unfortunately, your partner shouldn’t have to change for you—and you shouldn’t have to wait for them to change, either. This will only breed resentment and can shift the dynamic into something more parental than romantic. For example, no one wants to teach their partner how to become more polite or responsible. While you can guide them, and you both can learn from each other as a couple, you shouldn’t feel the need to micromanage or control them. It’s unhealthy for both parties.
4. ‘I Can’t Do Better’
One of the most common reasons people stay in unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships is insecurity and a lack of confidence. If you truly believe you can’t find someone better than your current partner (who isn’t making you happy, mind you), then you might feel more obligated to stay with them. Perhaps they’re all you know, or maybe you’re worried no one else can handle you.
Take it from me, someone who struggles with OCD and whose anxiety can be a lot to handle at times: the right person will attempt to understand you and work with you. Don’t stay with someone just because you believe you can’t do better than them, or worse: that you don’t deserve better than them. Work on your self-esteem—and address your own faults with love and gentleness—and you’ll quickly realize you’re the only one holding yourself back.
5. ‘I Can Fix Them’
How many times have we told ourselves this very lie when entering into or continuing a relationship with someone who isn’t who we actually want or need them to be? Often, we will date someone’s potential simply because there’s attraction, chemistry, and even love at the core. However, though important elements in a connection, those aren’t enough to maintain a healthy, lasting relationship. We also need compatible values and life goals, equal respect and effort, and commitment from our partners.
The honest truth? You shouldn’t have to fix anyone. If you can’t love and accept your partner as they are, then don’t waste your time or theirs. Choose someone who meets you where you are.
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