On paper, Amanda Thomas got divorced in 2025. But if you ask her, her marriage really ended two years earlier.
Their 20 years together didn’t unravel from one dramatic fallout. For a long time, there was still love. There was stability, too: two kids, a house and a husband with a steady career. There was no single night she could point to and say, That’s when I fell out of love.
But Thomas, now 42 and living in Washington, D.C., had started to feel like she was living the marriage alone.
She planned their date nights. She handled the chores, assembled the furniture and fixed things around the house. He seemed to find time for work, business and friends. For her, there was less.
At first, she still believed things could get better. She brought up what was bothering her and even looked for marriage counselors. Her husband would claim he “heard” her concerns, she recalled, or brush her off for “nagging.” Either way, the result for more than a decade was the same: no change.
Eventually, she stopped giving more than she was getting. She quit asking for what she needed to feel loved and stopped expecting to get it. The difficult conversations disappeared. So did the idea that the marriage was worth fighting for.
It’s not that she stopped caring, she said. “I just stopped taking responsibility for managing the health of the relationship.”
Over time, her resentment dulled. The neglect stung less. She adjusted to her husband’s emotional absence rather than expecting him to fill it. And while she wouldn’t walk out the door for another two years, in a way she had already left.
In other words, she quietly quit her marriage.
What does it mean to quiet quit a marriage?
Much like the workplace version — doing the bare minimum to avoid getting fired — quiet quitting a marriage, or a “quiet divorce,” happens when one or both people stay together on paper but check out emotionally.
In other words, “they’re really not putting in effort toward the marriage,” said Galena Rhoades, research professor at the University of Denver and director of the Institute for Relationship Science. “But they’re not necessarily taking steps to end it.”
Unlike an official decision to separate, there may be no single moment when someone decides they’re giving up. As with Thomas, the withdrawal may be gradual, happening after years of trying — then becoming exhausted when nothing changes.
“I didn’t think about divorce or separation,” Thomas said. “That wasn’t even on the top of my mind.”
So why not just leave instead of living in limbo?
Often, it’s practical. “Marriage is a financial agreement,” said Molly Burrets, clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California’s Department of Marriage and Family Therapy. “We don’t all have the independence to just leave a marriage any time that we want.” There may be mortgages and child care costs, health insurance and shared bank accounts. Some parents stick it out for the kids, Burrets added. And for those in toxic or abusive situations, leaving can be dangerous.
Fear keeps people stuck, too. “What we often see is that they don’t believe that the alternative life that they could have if they ended the marriage would be a good enough one,” Rhoades explained. In this sense, pulling back can work as a trial run: a way to test life without your significant other before separating for good.
So where’s the line between hitting a rough patch and heading for a quiet divorce? Here are the warning signs to look for.
You live like roommates or co-parents, not partners
One sign that Rhoades sees: The relationship feels less like a partnership and more like a business arrangement — two people managing a household but no longer sharing a life.
Maybe you talk all day, but it’s almost entirely about logistics. Who’s picking up the kids? Did you pay the electric bill? What’s for dinner?
“They work well together. They’re good at the business of life,” Rhoades said. What’s missing is everything else: curiosity about your partner’s day, what’s been on their mind, what they’re stressed or worried or excited about.
You stop trying to resolve conflict
Fighting isn’t always bad. Sometimes it shows both partners, at the very least, are invested enough to speak up. Handled constructively, research suggests being able to engage in and resolve disagreements can even bring you closer.
The more concerning shift is when you quit caring enough to fight.
“The opposite of love is not anger,” Burrets said. “The opposite of love is indifference,” which can set in after years of letdowns. “When disappointment turns into resignation, that’s when a quiet divorce often begins.”
Physical affection fades, and you don’t really miss it
A dry spell, on its own, doesn’t mean a marriage is in trouble. But, according to Rhoades, physical intimacy is part of what makes a romantic relationship feel romantic for many couples.
And it’s not just about having less sex. Maybe you stop kissing each other goodbye, reaching for their hand, sitting close together on the couch or grazing their shoulder as you pass in the kitchen.
“Again, those are things that you’re only doing with your spouse,” Rhoades said. “So when they start to fall away, it can be a sign that other things are shifting.”
You start building a life that doesn’t include your partner
At some point, Thomas saw how one-sided her marriage had become. “I remember having a moment where I realized, ‘Oh my gosh, I’m putting all this energy into saving this,’” she recalled.
So, she gave up on asking, on hoping, on waiting for her husband to show up. Instead, she learned to depend on friends to give her the care and connection she had been missing.
“My girlfriends, they gave that to me tenfold,” Thomas said. “And I didn’t have to do anything for it.”
It was a relief to feel so cared for easily, and that’s what makes this shift so easy to miss, Burrets said. Slowly, people around you take over the roles your spouse should have: A colleague now hears the funny stories from your workout class; your friends get the doctor’s appointment updates; your sister is your plus-one at parties.
Little by little, the marriage goes from essential to optional. And while having a life outside of your relationship is healthy, “when the distance no longer is really bothering you, that is a sign that you quietly quit your marriage,” Burrets explained.
What to do if you notice the signs
If you’re the one who’s quiet quitting, the first step is to stop running on autopilot and be honest about your needs.
“Get serious with yourself about where you are, what the factors are and if there’s anything that is salvageable in the marriage before you take any moves to end it,” Rhoades suggested.
That means answering uncomfortable questions: Am I staying because I want to, or because leaving feels scary, complicated or expensive? If my partner did everything I’ve been asking for, would that be enough? Am I willing to change, too, or am I already done?
A therapist can help you sort through those questions. But eventually, your partner should be a part of the conversation — which can be difficult if you’ve spent months or years believing there’s no point.
For example, you might start with: “I’ve been feeling disconnected for a while, and I’m not sure where we stand anymore. Can we talk?” Or, if part of you sees potential, skip the vague “try harder” and get specific: “I’d like us to have one night a week together, no phones or TV, because I’ve been feeling neglected.”
On the flip side, maybe you know you want out. Saying so can feel cruel, but Rhoades argues the opposite: “If the relationship is safe enough for honest discussion, clarity is usually healthier than maintaining a false sense of commitment.”
If you’re on the receiving end — sensing distance from your partner — try asking what’s going on without accusing.
“Don’t go in with a blaming mindset like, ‘You’re treating me this way,” Burrets said. Lead with curiosity instead. For example, “You used to tell me about your day the second you walked in, and lately you don’t. I miss that. Is something going on with us? Are we okay?”
Just as important: listen.
You don’t have to agree with their perspective, but focus on hearing what’s underneath their disengagement before rushing to defend yourself. “If someone is quietly quitting the marriage, what that means is they’ve probably tried to get the problem solved with you over and over and over and haven’t gotten the result that they want,” Burrets said.
Repair, if you both want it, won’t come from one heart-to-heart. Reversing the slow fade requires smaller, sustained efforts — and a lot of patience to rebuild trust and lost love.
And if it can’t be saved, that can be an equally valuable answer. Two years of quiet gave Thomas what decades of begging and settling never did: Clarity.
“When that decision came to separate and divorce, I knew it was coming from a place of healing,” she said. “So absolutely, I know and believe it was the best thing for me.”
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