Many new parents rely on their own parents for childcare, especially when they return to work after parental leave. While this is common in many families, it’s crucial to consider how this expectation affects your parents’ health. In fact, some grandmas are actually experiencing what experts call “depleted grandma syndrome.”
What Is Depleted Grandma Syndrome?
According to Dr. Ashwini Nadkarni, psychiatrist and assistant professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, “Depleted grandmother syndrome refers to the phenomenon of caregiving burnout that can befall grandmothers who have a significant role in caregiving for their grandchildren.”
Today, new parents often rely on their parents—their children’s grandparents—to care for their kids while they work, as they can’t afford daycare or time off. Most often, grandmothers, not grandfathers, take on this responsibility.
Though it’s not a true medical diagnosis, depleted grandma syndrome accurately describes a common yet harmful experience many grandmothers face. And as Dr. Nadkarni notes, this syndrome “does have some overlap with a proposed diagnostic entity, ‘depletion syndrome of the elderly’ from the 1980s, which was thought to be a mental health disorder in which geriatric individuals experienced depressive symptoms with prominent physical symptoms.”
The Rise of Depleted Grandma Syndrome
While grandmothers have provided childcare for generations, this added stress and pressure on aging adults can be especially harmful in today’s climate.
“We need to look at how family life has changed,” says Jane Eagle, CPT3A, Inclusion Manager and Designated Safeguarding Lead at Crimson Global Academy. “More households rely on two incomes, and childcare costs can be enormous. This means grandparents are often needed more than ever.”
“At the same time, many grandparents are still working, facing financial pressures or caring for a partner, an ageing parent or another family member,” she adds. “Some are managing their own health concerns.”
As they say: it takes a village to raise a child. But at the same time, no grandparent should feel responsible for becoming a primary caregiver for their grandchild—especially not at the detriment of their own health and wellbeing.
“Expectations can differ between generations, too,” Eagle states. “Parents may expect regular childcare, while grandparents may see their role as providing love, guidance, and support without taking on a second parenting role. When those expectations aren’t discussed, it can lead to resentment on both sides.”
Warning Signs of Depleted Grandma Syndrome
Whether you’re the new parent leaning a little too heavily on your mother/mother-in-law or you’re the depleted grandmother yourself, it’s important to notice the signs of this syndrome and address them immediately.
“In depleted grandmother syndrome, individuals experience the emotional exhaustion characteristic of caregiving burnout because of the intensive demands of caregiving without boundaries,” Dr. Nadkarni says. “With this, people might feel irritable, on edge, overwhelmed, resentful, or even guilty.”
This is especially true if the grandmother is still juggling work and other responsibilities, or is battling a chronic illness or other condition.
“From a family wellbeing perspective, I would be concerned when a grandmother feels there simply aren’t enough hours in the day, or when caring for her grandchildren consistently means putting her own needs and commitments aside,” Eagle adds. “Disappointment or resentment can also be a sign that the arrangement needs an honest conversation. A grandparent may have understood her role as offering occasional support, while the family has gradually come to depend on regular childcare.”
Protecting Grandmas From Depleted Grandma Syndrome
Rather than continuing to rely on or take advantage of (knowingly or not) the depleted grandmother, her children should be checking in with her to ensure she’s mentally and physically well—and she should be addressing any symptoms with a healthcare professional, too.
Just because this syndrome exists does not mean grandmothers can’t still be a supportive force in their grandkid’s lives. It’s about setting the appropriate boundaries while prioritizing your own needs. A depleted grandmother will not be the most alert or stable caregiver anyway.
“As a grandmother myself, I know how special this relationship can be,” Eagle says. “But loving your grandchildren and being available to provide regular childcare are two very different things. Grandparents have their own needs, responsibilities, and relationships, and those can get overlooked when families rely heavily on their support.”
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