The conversation started because of a windfall: it was the first month that we didn’t have the preschool tuition payment because my son was starting kindergarten. “I’d love for this money not to just disappear into the monthly budget,” I said to my husband.
He nodded, and immediately had a suggestion. “What if we used it to start up a brokerage account? It’d be good to have some investments that are accessible without penalty before retirement.”
Our approaches to investing differ
I knew, deep down, that this was a reasonable response to my point: we both already were on board with the idea of paying ourselves first, where we commit to an amount ahead of time for savings and retirement investments and then live on whatever we earn above that. This strategy served us well, and I wasn’t opposed… exactly.
“I was actually hoping to use some of it to add to our emergency fund,” I told him slowly. “And maybe getting some additional solar panels I’ve been looking at.”
We have recently lived through instability that made me really appreciate the kinds of standard comforts that are currently easily accessible. Our family experienced the impact of a major hurricane only two years ago (Hurricane Helene), and when water, electricity, and telecommunications were interrupted for days and then weeks, I realized that a relatively modest amount of money and supplies would have made weathering a period of instability easier.
This is the place where my husband and I diverge: I tend to see things somewhat pessimistically, believing there’s a good chance supply chains will be interrupted more than a few times during our lifetimes due to a variety of factors.
My husband has a generally optimistic, risk-tolerant approach to life. He knows we’ve made a solid plan for retirement, so he sees that a brokerage account offers promising returns (not guaranteed, but based on historical data) on funds that we’ve worked hard to earn. I’m sometimes fearful of the possibility of losing everything in a stock market crash.
I don’t think either of us is truly at odds with the other person: my husband witnessed Helene and set to work setting up a battery backup system for our solar panels, an impressive feat and investment that falls more in line with my own risk-averse nature.
And I’ve never squashed his goals of investing for both short and long-term stability, even if, deep down, I want all our savings in high-yield savings accounts with FDIC protection.
We’ve learned how to figure out what’s right for us
In order to make these conversations civil and positive, we tend to follow three steps.
First, we each get to make the case for why this investment, and why right now.
I think some of the way that we both get over our anxieties about spending or saving well is that we want to be heard, so he hears me out when I want to construct an expensive greenhouse on our property to grow more food, and I hear him out when he identifies that our current ages merit a somewhat risk-tolerant strategy so that we can reap the benefits when the market jumps higher.
Frequently, this process of hearing each other out helps us find an in-between pretty organically, and finding an in-between is the second step. Sometimes, we realize that, for instance, we are too busy to take full advantage of a greenhouse right now and should table it for a year or two. However, maybe this is a good year to invest in a higher-speed home charger for our electric car. Because many of his goals are “invest as much as possible,” it’s usually possible to buy some portion of the physical items I want while still contributing to our investments.
When I’m advocating for a deeper emergency fund, housed in a high-yield savings account rather than a market-invested brokerage account, I typically ask that we contribute in a percentage-based way. If I ask, for instance, for a windfall to be split 30/70, he gets to invest 70% of the money toward higher yields, and I get 30% in a very secure account. It’s not exactly what either of us would like, but it ultimately gives us some benefits of both risk-averse and risk-tolerant strategies.
Finally, any time we find a split that really feels aligned for us, we see if we can make it a rule for the future, the third step. No one loves having to reinvent the wheel every time new money conversations come up. When that 70/30 split worked well for us once, I’ve returned to it for later money decisions, and while it sometimes needs to be adapted, it lets us balance each of our needs without a long discussion. My husband, famously of few words, likes when we can keep the conversations a little shorter and get back to playing a board game or watching a silly TV show to relax.
When we hear each other out, find a useful middle ground, and operationalize the result for future use, we find ways to invest in both a more secure and a more growth-focused future, favoring methods that work well for both our risk tolerance levels.
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