Submitted on behalf of my younger daughter:
I am 9 years old, and my sister is 12. I am always telling her to hurry up! Sometimes, she is going to be late for school because she waits too long to get into the shower. (My school starts later than hers, so I won’t be late.) In the evening, we are allowed to watch a TV show if we’re ready for bed by 7:30 p.m., but I don’t get to watch one if she’s not ready. Sometimes she isn’t. My parents try encouraging her, too, but it doesn’t always work. What can I do?
YOUNGER SISTER
Generally, I am a fan of working together to solve problems. But here, I worry that there may be confusion about roles. As a 9-year-old, you are not responsible for getting your older sister ready for school or for bed: That’s your parents’ job. And I hope they’ve told you that. But the fact that you’re stressing about it and they’re withholding privileges because of it — and even submitting this letter for you — makes me worry that they haven’t thought this through. (That can happen to the best of parents!)
It’s great that you want to help out here. But as you know, nagging from a younger sister is unlikely to get a 12-year-old girl to do much of anything. Once you’re ready for school, move to another area of the house: Eat your breakfast and do some extra reading. Let your parents handle your sister, whether that’s asking her to get out of bed and into the shower earlier or letting her face the consequences of dawdling. But none of this is on you. You can’t control anyone’s behavior but your own.
As for TV time, I think you should ask your parents to reconsider their rule. If your teeth are brushed and you are ready for bed at 7:30, you should be able to watch a show. If your sister is not ready, she should not be allowed to join you. But punishing you for your sister’s behavior suggests that you control it — and you don’t. Your sister is your parents’ responsibility, not yours.
Coda for a Coda
For over a decade, I have been writing letters of gratitude to people who have helped me along my path: friends, family, acquaintances — anyone who has done me a kindness. I’ve written more than 300 letters so far. But only about 25 percent of the recipients acknowledge my letters with a text, a phone call or a letter in return. Why do you think most recipients don’t?
GRATEFUL
It’s a lovely practice you’ve developed. In my experience, thoughtful notes and letters like yours often close the loop on an episode: Someone shows me kindness, and I write the person a note of thanks to acknowledge it. It puts a cap on the experience.
Now, I bet your letters make many of your recipients feel great, but that doesn’t necessarily call for a response. It may — if the experience you’re writing about strikes the recipient as especially meaningful. But let me remind you that the purpose of your project is to express gratitude — which you are doing — not to receive pats on the head for doing it or to force additional interactions.
Sticks on His Side, the Law on Mine
My elderly neighbor grooms his lawn frequently. Recently, I installed a camera at my house: I laid a patch of sod and use the camera to see if it needs to be watered while I’m traveling. In the footage, I saw my neighbor gathering sticks that fell from a tree on my property onto his and throwing them back in my yard. Legally, he is required to dispose of debris that falls on his yard regardless of where it originates. Should I tell him that?
NEIGHBOR
I wouldn’t. There are two codes at play here: the neighborly code and the legal code. By referring only to the latter, you open yourself to the possibility that your neighbor may respond in kind. Legally, he is probably entitled to chop off any part of your tree that extends onto his property — and I can’t imagine you would like that. (Local rules may vary.) I don’t see gathering a few sticks as a big inconvenience to you. Neighborly tolerance often preserves peace.
‘Still Warm’? Try Still Alive.
I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth. It was not well received, for instance, when I asked an older aunt if I could put a Post-it on a piece of her furniture to claim it after she passed. (I invite people to do that with my things all the time.) I have my eye on something else that an older friend owns. Is there a polite way to ask about it?
PRE-ESTATE SHOPPER
It’s one thing to bring up the subject of your own death and the dispersal of your property. It’s another to raise the prospect of someone else’s death. Steer clear of that! You may upset someone, or appear shamelessly grabby. A more diplomatic approach — if you are determined to go down this path — is to say: “I love that side table. If you ever want to part with it, please let me know.” That may plant the seed.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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