As soon as I walk into my sister’s house, my 1-year-old niece strikes the perfect “Home Alone” face and shrieks in delight. She races into my arms and I pick her up, both of us touching noses and smiling.
I hear my 5-year-old nephew call out my name from the living room, and I walk over to find him stomping around like a dinosaur.
I ask what he is today, and he growls, “I’m a T. rex!” I melt at the indescribable amount of joy they both bring me.
I’m so grateful I live a short 15-minute drive from them in St. Louis, where I was born and raised. But it’s not where I want to stay.
I never wanted to live here long-term, but then my sister had kids
St. Louis was always supposed to be a temporary place for me.
After growing up here and going to college within the state, I moved to New York straight out of college and dove headfirst into my career. For 12 years, I thrived in the Big Apple: Beyond exciting me, it ignited me. I really felt like myself living in New York City.
The only reason I moved back to St. Louis was the COVID-19 pandemic. Most things in New York shut down, and I could no longer justify paying high rent for a small space without access to the city’s exciting amenities.
So, I moved back to St. Louis. I was in the process of starting and growing my own business, which felt easier to do in a lower-cost city. Around the same time, my sister had two children, and helping out with them kept me busy while I planned my eventual return to New York.
Moving back was the goal, but as my niece and my nephew have gotten older, it’s been harder to think about leaving them. I love our sleepovers and impromptu plays and performances, and I’ll miss making blanket forts at our house.
I’m obsessed with every second I get to spend with them, but at the end of the day, after they’ve gone to sleep, I head back home to my quiet neighborhood — where there are fewer horns honking, no one hanging out on fire escapes, and very few restaurants open for dinner at 10 p.m.
It doesn’t quite feel like home.
Deciding to leave St. Louis was tough, but I think I’m making the right choice
I’m itching to return to my life in New York City. I miss going to a different networking event every night, eating incredible cuisine from all over the world, and riding the subway with people dressed to the nines.
For those first few years in St. Louis, I kept talking myself out of planning a move.
But about three years in, I started to realize that being a role model to them is about more than just being physically present. What am I actually teaching them if I stay because I’m afraid of missing them?
So, in 2025, I decided to renew my lease in St. Louis for the final time. Fast forward to this year, and I have a one-way flight booked for after Thanksgiving.
I’m excited, but I’m sad, too.
Kids change so rapidly, and I’ll miss out on so much. I’ll especially miss how easy it is to spontaneously pop over to their home, help my sister, and gather up some extra cuddles whenever they need them — or whenever I do. I know I will miss things I will never get back.
But I want my niece and my nephew to know they can love their family fiercely without worrying that they’re abandoning any of us by living their lives. I want them to see an adult choose opportunity, happiness, and growth, even when that choice has a sacrifice.
Plus, just because I’m gone doesn’t mean I’ll be detached from them. We can FaceTime every day, and they can come visit.
My sister and her family will have a free place to crash in New York, and I can show them the magic of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or watch their eyes sparkle as we explore museums. I can create a life there that becomes part of their world, too.
And maybe one day, when one of them is debating whether to leave St. Louis for something they desperately want, I hope they’ll remember that their aunt did it first.
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