A few months ago, my father announced that he planned to marry for the third time. His first two wives — my mother and stepmother — died young, from cancer. These were difficult losses for our family. I have no issue with my father’s plan to remarry; it’s been two years since my stepmother’s death. But being around his new fiancée opens up my grief over the prior losses in a way that I have difficulty managing. The wounds still feel fresh to me. I am not sure I can attend his wedding because of this, but I don’t want to create a wedge between my father and me. What should I do?
DAUGHTER
I’m sorry for your losses. Anyone who has experienced the death of someone dear knows that grief respects no timetable and that it often springs up to overwhelm us when we least expect it. It doesn’t surprise me that the prospect of a new stepmother calls up your unresolved grief over prior losses. Be gentle with yourself.
Now, I don’t want to assume too much from your brief letter, but you make no reference to working on managing your feelings in therapy or in a grief support group. I urge you to seek that help. If you need a reference, call your doctor or hospital. They will have resources to share. Then see how it goes. Your relief will not be immediate, but talking about our losses, particularly with others in similar circumstances, can be extremely helpful.
As for your father, keep in mind that he has suffered profound losses, too. He may be more sympathetic than you imagine. I also think he may be more understanding of your dilemma if you tell him that you are seeking help for your grief but feel unable to attend his wedding now — though you wish him and his fiancée great happiness. To me, this seems more supportive than saying simply that you can’t attend his wedding — two years after your stepmother’s death — without having made any special efforts to do so.
Calling a Would-Be Host’s Bluff
I am a 60-year-old woman with a friend group of seven women. We are all empty nesters, so I decided to host a ladies’ potluck dinner once a month. I sent an invitation, everyone came, and we had a fantastic time. As the guests were leaving, one friend offered to host the next dinner. I said that wasn’t necessary, but she insisted. The problem: Three months have gone by, and she hasn’t scheduled anything. I have raised the issue with her several times and offered to host the next dinner, but she insists that it’s her turn and seems annoyed that I’m trying to wrest the dinner from her. Advice?
FRIEND
Your friend may like the idea of hosting this dinner more than actually hosting it. I would not raise the issue with her again. (You already know how that conversation goes, right?) Send her a text saying that you are planning a dinner party on a certain date and ask if it will conflict with her dinner. That way you can indulge her fantasy that she will host a potluck eventually while scheduling another potluck dinner of your own.
What Is Owed to a Potential Landlord?
I rent a room in my home for short-term leases (think: traveling nurses and medical students on rotation). When people express interest in it, I schedule a phone call with them to see if we are a good fit. Then I send them a rental contract to review. Lately, people have begun to ghost me after I send the contract — even after I send a text to ask if they are still interested. Is there a constructive way to call out this poor behavior?
LANDLORD
I think I understand the mismatch here: You are potentially inviting people to share your home; the renters are speaking to a bunch of strangers about a room. As a renter, I would probably contact you again only if I were interested in moving forward (though I would respond to a follow-up text if you sent one). Still, I would skip the teachable moment. There is probably not sufficient foundation for one between strangers. When people tell you they are interested in renting on your terms, you will know.
If You Can’t Be Honest With Him Yet …
A group from my kindergarten class meets for lunch occasionally. We are now 77 years old. We meet at a diner in Queens. I live in Connecticut, near a friend from class. He has poor eyesight, so I give him a ride. I pay for tolls and gas on these trips. My friend has never offered to pick up my share of the lunch bill to thank me, and this bothers me. Even if he offered, I would probably refuse, but I would appreciate some recognition. Thoughts?
KINDERGARTEN ALUM
Let’s flip this script. If I had a friend for over 70 years who was upset that I hadn’t thought to chip in for gas and tolls, and said nothing about it, I would be sorry for my behavior. But I would also be upset at my friend’s silence — that he was willing to strain our long friendship without speaking up. Friends will not always do the right thing, and they can’t read our minds. So, help him out: Tell him what you’d like!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
The post Can I Tell My Father That I’m Too Grief-Stricken to Attend His Wedding? appeared first on New York Times.
