Many long-term couples fall into a rut at some point in their relationship, believing their lack of a sex life means they’ve lost attraction to each other. But oftentimes, this isn’t actually the case—and even if it is, it’s usually more complex than “I no longer think they’re hot.” (Unless, of course, you’re only with your partner for shallow reasons.)
Love and attraction go far beyond the physical. For example, a deep emotional connection, safety, mystery, spontaneity, personal confidence…these all play into our ability to feel sexual toward another person.
If you’re feeling less attracted to your partner, it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Why You Suddenly Feel Unattracted to Your Partner
Losing attraction to your partner can feel like a death sentence for your relationship, but many factors play into attraction and chemistry.
“There are MANY reasons someone might lose attraction to their partner, and 99% of them pertain to the person themself as well as to changing dynamics in a relationship,” says Lauren Goldstein, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and relationship therapist.
For example, you may feel more stressed at work, insecure in your own body, or emotionally disconnected from your partner.
“All relationships change, and once you get out of the honeymoon phase of a relationship (which is about 6 months-2 years), you often find yourself managing big responsibilities together, navigating household duties and possibly coparenting,” Goldstein explains. “And suddenly you’re seeing each other in very unsexy ways, having breakfast in your ugly pajamas AGAIN and wishing for some excitement.”
As they say, relationships take work—and sometimes, so does attraction. It’s not always that you no longer find your partner to be handsome or beautiful, but rather that you’ve fallen into a mundane routine with them. Maybe they’ve lost the same passion and spontaneity they once had, or perhaps you’re slipping into a parenting role while they spend most of their time on the couch.
“Plenty of other things can chip away at attraction, too: attachment styles, your relationship with your body, mental health issues, not feeling sexy for any number of reasons, and dynamics in your partnership,” says Goldstein. “Usually it comes back to what’s going on inside the individual, not the partner.”
How to Navigate a Loss of Attraction in Relationships
If you fear you’ve lost attraction to your partner, this usually says more about your connection and relationship dynamic than about their physical appearance. Here’s how to address the issue.
1. Identify the Disconnect
Attraction can fade over time for several reasons, from personal insecurity to overemphasis on looks to emotional distance in the relationship.
“Start by figuring out the root cause, look inward rather than blaming your partner, and explore any issues that are causing stress because often stress or anxiety is one of the culprits,” says Goldstein. “Then get curious about what helps you feel attraction, what gets your juices flowing, and do more of that.”
2. Add Some Mystery to the Relationship
Many times, people assume they’ve lost attraction to their partner when really, their sex life is just falling into a rut. Anyone in a long-term relationship can experience this.
“A really solid relationship requires security and safety, but eroticism needs mystery and uncertainty in order to thrive,” says Goldstein. “So you have to figure out how to cultivate a balance between the two, and sometimes you become business partners first, and the sexiness falls [by] the wayside.”
3. Communicate Honestly and Gently
Of course, the best way to address any relationship issue is by communicating with your partner. However, talking about your apparent lack of attraction to them can feel uncomfortable and downright hurtful. Thankfully, there’s a better way to broach the subject.
“The best way to bring it up with your partner is to really understand it first, and then tell your partner you’re struggling with how to maintain desire in a relationship, that you’re working on understanding yourself better, and that you’d love to share what you learn and work on it together,” says Goldstein. “Provide reassurance to your partner that they didn’t suddenly become less desirable. Turning toward them instead of blaming them is always the way to go.”
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