Marriage is a major life and relationship milestone—a decision worth taking seriously. While some people dream of tying the knot with their soulmate and fantasize about their future wedding from a young age, others take a more practical, or even cynical, approach to the long-term commitment. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, you likely understand the weight that marriage carries.
If you’re approaching that time in your life and relationship and feel ready to take the next steps and deepen your commitment, you’ll want to make sure you’re in the right place—with the right person—before jumping into a life together. Amie Leadingham, a Master Certified Relationship Coach with over 10+ of experience, shared four important questions to ask yourself before tying the knot with your partner.
1. Does Your Partner Meet Your Non-Negotiables?
Being in love is just one prerequisite of marriage. Before writing your vows, consider your non-negotiables and whether your partner actually meets them.
“These are the core values and needs you require to be aligned with your partner in order to have a happy relationship,” Leadingham explains. “They’re your must-haves, like: Do we want a family? Is our financial outlook the same?”
Being on the same page about your values and goals is crucial before making such a long-term, serious commitment.
2. Do You Share the Same Life Goals?
No matter how much you might love your partner, you can’t force compatibility. Before making the life-altering decision to get married, make sure your future goals align.
“It’s important to know that you both are on the same path in life,” says Leadingham. “So many people get married and years later discover that one person wanted a family and the other person didn’t.”
Unfortunately, this is often how resentment builds: one person gives up their dreams or life goals for the other, prioritizing their connection above their own happiness. Over time, that regret and bitterness can destroy even the healthiest of relationships.
3. How Well Do You Navigate Conflict and Repair?
Conflict is inevitable in relationships; what matters most is how you repair after it. If you and your partner can’t compromise, consider each other’s perspectives, or reconnect after an argument, you may want to pump the brakes on any long-term decisions.
“As much as we think relationships [are] all about love, it’s the difficult moments and how we repair them [that keep] a couple together,” says Leadingham.
4. Do You Feel Safe With Your Partner?
Safety is one of the most important facets of a relationship—but not just physical safety. Emotional safety, trust, stability, and security all point to a healthy, empowering connection.
“Your nervous system plays a big part in telling you whether the relationship is right for you,” says Leadingham. “If you are in constant fight, flight, or freeze and unable to share your real truths, that is a red flag sign that this might not be your person.”
Marry someone you can be your most authentic self with—someone who doesn’t expect you to perform all the time. Your spouse will likely see you through your darkest moments: sickness, financial insecurity, the loss of your parents, etc. Can you imagine your current partner showing up for you through that grief? If not, maybe it’s time to have some hard conversations.
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