Dear Liz: My daughter (51) blames me (74) almost daily for her financial problems. She says I didn’t teach her about money matters. I say she didn’t pay attention and made her own bad choices. She moved out more than 30 years ago and has had ample opportunities to learn.
Answer: You didn’t ask a question, but here’s one that might be appropriate. “Isn’t there a statute of limitations on blaming parents for your own money woes?”
Yes, there is, and it expired long ago. As long as she can blame you, though, your daughter can avoid the hard work of changing her behavior.
Childhood experiences can have a powerful impact on how we engage with money. Financial psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz uses the term “money scripts” to describe the ingrained beliefs we have about finances that were often learned from our parents. Understanding these scripts can be the key to challenging the ones that no longer serve us and choosing new ways of relating to money.
Instead, your daughter is choosing to challenge you, over and over. You respond defensively, and the argument just keeps going.
It may help to concede that you weren’t a perfect parent, because no one is. Perhaps you could have done a better job of teaching her, or set a better example. If your daughter has specific complaints about her upbringing, you can try listening to her and acknowledging her feelings, without accepting responsibility for the financial choices she’s made. If she’s open to accepting help, you could direct her to resources such as the Assn. for Financial Counseling & Planning Education at www.afcpe.org or the National Foundation for Credit Counseling at www.nfcc.org.
Otherwise, it’s time to end the debate. Continuing to argue about who’s to blame isn’t good for either of you. Let your daughter know that you love her and support her efforts to fix her finances, but you’re done talking about this. If she ignores your boundary, you can end the conversation.
You may find that she’s not the only one who has trouble changing her behavior. If that’s the case, consider talking to a therapist or joining a group such as Co-Dependents Anonymous. You can learn more at www.coda.org.
Dear Liz: I have a will, properly done by an attorney, in my home state of Texas. I’m thinking of moving to California. Will the state of California recognize and accept my will?
Answer: The short answer is yes, but you should consult a California attorney anyway.
California generally recognizes a will that was valid under the laws of the state where it was executed. But moving to another state can affect other aspects of your estate plan.
Probate in California — which is the court process that typically follows death — can be expensive and protracted. A will doesn’t avoid probate, but a living trust can. The two states also differ in how marital property is treated, even though both are community property states.
Two other documents you should have — a power of attorney for finances and an advanced healthcare directive — also would benefit from updating. These documents allow you to name trusted people to make decisions for you if you’re incapacitated. Having California-specific versions could make it easier for financial institutions and medical providers to accept them. Plus, it’s generally a good idea for the person making healthcare decisions to be physically nearby. That makes it easier for them to get to the hospital in an emergency, consult with doctors and see for themselves how you’re doing.
While you’re at it, take a look at your beneficiary designations for retirement plans, life insurance and other financial accounts. These designations typically override what your will or living trust says, so you’ll want to make sure to review and update those regularly.
As you may have read here before, estate planning is not a “one and done” chore. You should have an attorney review your documents every three to five years and after any major life event, including a move to a new state.
Got a question about money? You can submit it here.
Liz Weston, Certified Financial Planner, is a personal finance columnist. Questions may be sent to her at 3940 Laurel Canyon, No. 238, Studio City, CA 91604, or by using the “Contact” form at asklizweston.com.
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