Ever been twenty minutes into a first date and thought, yeah, this isn’t it? They’ve brought up their ex three times, and your drink is still mostly full. You want to go home, but you’d also rather not be the a**hole who bolts.
Chances are, you’ll stay anyway. A UK study found that people usually know if a date is going well within about 25 minutes, then hang around for an average of 51 minutes before finally making an excuse. More than a third said they didn’t feel comfortable saying they wanted to leave. That’s almost another half hour of your life spent talking to someone you know you won’t see again.
Ilay Shitov, chief growth officer at the dating app Fledge, thinks people are making this harder on themselves than they need to. “A first date is not a contract,” he told VICE. “You are meeting someone to find out whether you enjoy being around them and sometimes the answer is no, and there is nothing inherently rude about that.”
How to Leave a Bad Date Without Faking an Emergency
For him, the difference is in how you handle it. He defines being a jerk as “knowingly creating expectations you have no intention of fulfilling or disregarding another person’s feelings, dignity or boundaries when you could have treated them with more care.” Realizing over coffee that you have absolutely no interest in a second date doesn’t meet that bar.
It’s also completely normal to cut a date short if you’re not feeling it. In a DatingAdvice.com survey, 49% of Americans said they’d left early because of the other person’s behavior. The person you’re with would rather you be honest than grin and bear it. A Shane Co. survey found that 39% would rather hear the truth than sit through the rest of a date that clearly isn’t working.
Shitov recommends planning in an easy exit from the start. He suggests grabbing coffee and walking toward a restaurant, then deciding after 15 or 20 minutes whether you both want to keep going. He even recommends agreeing on a signal beforehand, like picking up your keys. “It may sound silly, but having the signal agreed in advance removes the awkwardness and gives both people a dignified way out,” he said.
If you didn’t build in an escape plan, you can still just say what’s happening. “I’ve enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think we’re a match, so I’m going to head out” is enough. You don’t need to fake a sick roommate or suddenly remember that your oven is on.
Of course, safety is different. If someone makes you uncomfortable or something feels wrong, leave. Manners can sit this one out.
“You don’t owe someone chemistry,” Shitov said. “But you do owe them basic consideration.” A half-finished drink and a direct goodbye is better than another hour of pretending.
The post How to Leave a Bad First Date Without Being a Jerk: A Helpful Guide appeared first on VICE.
