My partner is a Leo and I’m a Virgo. We are deeper in love and more connected than ever, but the sex is kind of nonexistent. What gives?
Isn’t it agonizing when most of your stars align with a lover’s — but not all? We’re victims of a battle-scarred dating landscape filled with minefields: option paralysis, transactional relationship attitudes, ghosting and all of the other infuriating and disheartening things that make a lot of us want to give up. I commend you for reaching out, because that in and of itself is an indicator that you’ve found something special with your beloved. It’s beautiful that you’re doing your best to harmonize what you already have, instead of discarding it for the next shiny thing.
Leo and Virgo are adjacent signs. Adjacent signs, coming one after the other, are an interesting combination because they are so different, but encapsulate certain similarities due to their proximity in the zodiac. It’s possible that the both of you enjoy being leaders in your own capacities — Leo is known for their directness and presence, while Virgo can express some of the same traits in their work life and ability to hold it all together. It’s no surprise that you’ve found kindred spirits in each other.
I’ve said this before in our corner of the digital world, and I’ll say it again: Sex with a partner is like a Venn diagram. You and your partner come together with all the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of your respective sexualities, and you find the sweet spot where your desires overlap. You might be feeling like that intersection is smaller than you would like, but it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Plenty of couples take more time than others to find a rhythm in their sex life, whether that’s frequency, pace or incorporation of fantasies. There are infinite possibilities when it comes to finding what works with another human being.
Step one: Address your sexual discrepancies honestly and openly with your partner, with love. Many couples, when faced with a less-than-ideal sex life, can feel like they’re “failing” at their relationship (ahem, Virgo) or that it’s some horrible harbinger of relationship collapse to come. The reality is that for all couples, sex ebbs and flows. If you spend enough time with someone, there are bound to be periods of fruition and aliveness as much as there are periods of fallow and stagnancy. It’s normal. Other couples also might have great sex lives, but struggle connecting in the deeper ways that the two of you have already handled beautifully. In communicating your unmet needs and any fears you may have about the future of the relationship, you can open a portal to a more profound understanding of each other.
And since we’re talking about astrology, it’s a common misconception that Sun signs are the be-all, end-all of synastry (a.k.a. relationship compatibility). It’s really the Moon, Venus and Mars that matter most when it comes to whether a connection has staying power, or room for sustainable improvement. Delve into your and your partner’s astrological signatures in a more nuanced way, and you’ll find clues to how to move forward. For example: Someone with their Mars in Libra needs romance, beauty and peace to feel turned on, whereas a Mars in Aries person could delight more in the spontaneity of energetic play. Your partner’s Mars sign is like a cheat code for you to find out what gets them there sexually.
If all else fails, there’s no shame in bringing this to a sex therapist or couples counselor. Depending on how locked in you’re feeling with your partner, it could be a worthy investment in the future you’re building together on your already-amazing foundation of connection. And remember: Sex is best when it feels comfortable, safe and joyous for all parties involved. Try not to get too in your head about the performance of it all, or assume sex alone is the ultimate litmus test for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Know yourself, understand as much as you can about your loved ones and the rest will follow.
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