My 93-year-old father moved into assisted living this past January after my mother died. He requires round-the-clock personal care, which his income fortunately allows us to provide. My sister and I manage his caregivers through an agency that has been excellent. For the past four years, it has sent us good people who are paid fairly. We also give generous holiday bonuses, which are scaled to reflect how long each caregiver has worked for us, the longest being four years.
Recently, one caregiver, who joined the team late last year, texted to ask whether we would “sponsor” him for an advanced course that would help him further his career in health care. This caregiver has been excellent and is often available when others are sick or on vacation. The cost of the course is just under $3,000, and we could certainly afford it.
I wonder, however, about whether giving him money for the course would be fair to the other caregivers. I also suspect that making such a request violates agency policy, and we don’t want to alert the agency, because we fear he could be dismissed.
Our initial thought was to offer half the amount and ask him to consider it an early holiday bonus. My father does not have dementia, but Parkinson’s disease has left him quite apathetic and depressed, and he is not really in a position to weigh in. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
I understand why you’d want to give a leg up to an excellent caregiver. At the same time, there’s a reason that agencies generally prohibit employees from asking clients for money in this way. You now have grounds for wondering whether the quality of care will be affected by your decision to give (or not to give) this person what he has asked for. Even if that’s far from this man’s intentions, this is the position you’re in. And agency agreements can bind clients as well as its employees; yours may restrict direct payments to caregivers.
As for calling your contribution an early holiday bonus? Relabeling wouldn’t necessarily obviate the fairness issue with respect to the other caregivers, who have respected the terms of the arrangement, some of them for years. Would $1,500 be on a par with what you pay others who have been with you for less than 12 months?
There’s a further question about the source of this generosity. Your father’s income pays for his care. Would the $1,500 also come from him? Your authority to manage his affairs is meant to let you spend his money for his benefit. A caregiver’s career advancement doesn’t obviously fit in that category.
Even if you wanted to help this man with your own money, you should be wary of making a substantial private payment that appears to violate the agency’s rules. You can continue to recognize his excellent work through the generous bonus system you already use, including taking his unusual reliability into account when you decide on the amount. You could also ask the agency whether it offers tuition assistance or would let clients contribute to caregiver training. If it does, you can help him openly. If it doesn’t, and having weighed all the considerations you still decide to contribute, pay the school directly; that will give you a record of where the money went. Whatever you do, let him know how much his reliability has meant to your family, and wish him well with his certification.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who wondered how much transparency she owed her partner. She wrote:
My partner and I have been together since 2022, and we started living together six months ago. … I know my partner wants to become a father someday, while I simply don’t know whether I want to become a mother. I raised my brother and enjoyed spending time with him when he was little, but otherwise I have never felt the delight that some people show around children. Instead, they leave me indifferent or even annoyed. I’m also afraid of the changes that parenting would require of me. I tolerate my current job only because it pays the bills, and I worry about the distractions that children would bring. … And I’m scared of how my mind might react to something as significant as motherhood. My partner knows that I have a difficult family history. … I’ve decided to give myself a few years and see how I feel. But do I have to tell my partner now that I’m unsure about something he hopes for? If I do, I give him the chance either to find someone else with whom to build a family or to stay with me despite the uncertainty. I’m scared he won’t choose me. — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
If you allow your partner to believe that you share his expectations about raising a family, you would be building a relationship on a foundation of dishonesty. … You say that you’re worried that letting your partner know now that you may not want to have children will lead him to break up with you. But why do you think it will go over any better a few years down the road? Your partner has been upfront about his hopes that you’ll have children. You owe it to him to be equally upfront about your uncertainty. You seem open to the possibility that you’ll want children someday. You can tell him that too. What’s needed here is honesty about where you are now. Many of the spats that couples get into are about nothing very much: accidental slights seized on as evidence of character flaws, two mammals briefly getting on each other’s nerves and growling. But some disagreements go to the heart of things, and whether to have children is one of them, because it concerns the shape of the lives you want to lead. Whatever shape those lives take, I hope they’ll be characterized by candor about the things that matter most.
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The worst thing for a relationship is to talk someone into children who doesn’t want them, or talk someone who wants them into not having them. Waiting to share your feelings until the relationship is more established or a marriage has taken place won’t change the outcome. The breakup will come eventually. Better now — unmarried and childless — than later. — Sandi
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If the roles were reversed (that is, if you were the man) I would strongly advise telling your partner now. But men can father children well into their eighties — look at Al Pacino, for example — so this isn’t an issue that worries men all that much. I would give myself a year and then tell him, if I still felt like I didn’t want kids. — Paula
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Talking this over is very important. My husband and I were both uninterested in kids when we married. You’re right: They’re costly, disruptive to life, and annoying, in general. But 10 years later, our good friends had a child that I absolutely fell in love with. We both did. Getting to know this particular child changed everything. Now, 30 years later, we can say that our two children were a joy and, as adults, continue to be the best decision we made. The key was communication and openness. It would have been OK to go childless, for sure. What’s important is to decide together. — Kelley
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I went back and forth about having children and ultimately married my partner believing I would eventually be ready. I kept saying, “I just need a few more months to think about it.” Those months turned into years. I genuinely thought I would change my mind, but I never did. We eventually divorced, and I deeply regretted the time and pain my indecision caused him. I worried that it would be too late for him, but thankfully, he went on to marry a wonderful woman and now has a beautiful family. My advice is to be honest that you may never want children. He deserves the opportunity to decide what that means for the life he wants, just as you deserve to make the choice that is right for you. — Katie
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My husband and I were not sure about having children. I was leaning toward it and he was worried about being able to be a good parent and not being able to do all the things he loves to do. We finally decided to talk to a therapist about it, and after four sessions we were very clear. In our case, I realized I did want very much to be a parent; my husband didn’t want his fears to be the reason I couldn’t. He came to see it as the greatest gift he could give me, and it turned out that our daughter is our greatest gift to each other. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been a gift. And my husband found out that he didn’t have to change who he is to be a father. — Bea
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