When Alain Braillon was training to be a doctor, he decided to specialize in issues related to the liver, in part because he loved the clarity of the field. If a person was in pain, he thought, he would simply take a blood sample or do a scan and determine the diagnosis and treatment.
“I’m a binary person. Things must be black or white,” Braillon said.
Then he started working with patients, and suddenly things got more complicated.
“It’s shared decision-making,” Braillon said of making a treatment plan. He needed patient buy-in, especially if part of what needed to change was their daily habits.
He realized that, like many of us, he needed to get better at listening.
He brought this problem to one of his colleagues who was a psychologist, and the colleague taught Braillon a strategy to help him connect with his patients.
What is reflective listening?
Reflective listening is often used by therapists, but psychologists who have studied the technique say it’s a tool everyone should have in their back pocket. It can be useful — at work, with families and in friendships — to listen rather than rushing to provide advice, solutions or silver linings.
The method is simple: If someone is upset, try to listen to what they’re saying and paraphrase it back to them. At first this might feel awkward, but researchers say the results could surprise you.
Martha Straus, a retired professor, clinical psychologist and co-author of “The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen Can Improve Relationships,” said most of us are bad at listening — especially when a smartphone is always within reach.
“We’re very individualistic. What about me? I want my turn to say something,” Straus said. “What about my day? You’re always talking about your day. What about MY day?”
But if people practice listening intentionally, they’re likely to notice a change in how people respond to them.
“I can tell you a hazard is, people are so eager to talk to you,” said William Miller, an emeritus distinguished professor of psychology and psychiatry at the University of New Mexico. “If you do this on a bus or an airplane, you’ll have a conversation all the way to wherever you’re going.”
Open-ended questions can be helpful to get someone talking, but once you hear a bit of what’s going on, Miller encourages offering a guess of how that person might feel, and phrasing it as a statement rather than a question.
If a friend is stressed out by everything on their plate, you could say, “It sounds like you feel overwhelmed.” If your teenager says they feel rejected by a peer, don’t rush in with all the reasons they’re wonderful. Hear them out and try to affirm the feelings, maybe with a reflection like, “That sounds lonely.”
“It is a guess,” Miller said. “Their natural response is to say ‘yes’ and tell you more, or ‘no’ and tell you more.”
When Braillon began doing this in his medical practice, he noticed how differently his patients responded to him. He said he was able to make better connections with them and build trust.
“To have very good communication is very difficult, but reflective listening is a simple tool,” Braillon said. “It’s a cornerstone for communication, in my opinion.”
“It’s making sure that you’re understanding what the person is telling you,” Miller said.
Why does this work?
Straus said that feeling heard is a deep, human need.
“It feels great when someone gets you,” Straus said. “What’s a better feeling?”
Hanne Collins, an assistant professor at UCLA’s Anderson School of Management who studies communication, said in an email that high-quality listening “increases feelings of respect, empathy, liking, connection.”
“I really do think of this as a critical element of all good communication,” Collins added.
Collins said that reflective listening is effective because you can’t fake it. While someone could nod and make eye contact while their mind wanders, they have to really listen to the content of what the other person is saying to paraphrase well.
This strategy also helps us avoid some common pitfalls, like offering unsolicited advice or suggesting that there’s a bright side to whatever is upsetting the person.
“People do it with the intention of helping,” Miller said. “Trying to make them feel better or, you know, saying ‘I’m sure it’s going to work out.’ All of those are not listening.”
Sometimes people want advice, but Miller always asks before providing it.
How to try it
Next time someone is telling you about an upsetting moment or feeling, try reflecting what they’re saying back to them.
Start with an open-ended question. Keep it short. “What’s going on?” or “Is something bothering you?”
Then, really listen. Put your phone away and eliminate other distractions. If you aren’t able to listen to the person with undivided attention, tell them that it’s not a good time and suggest another.
Try paraphrasing and summarizing what they’re saying. If it feels awkward you can use a construction like, “It sounds like you feel disappointed.” Or it might feel more natural to just say “That’s disappointing.” Then, keep listening and adjusting your reflections depending on how your guesses are landing.
Check in with your own reactions. Often in relationships it can be difficult to listen because our defenses get activated. If your spouse is upset that the house is a mess, it might be hard not to take that as a criticism. Straus suggests taking a beat to process your own reaction or walking around the block to cool off if necessary before returning to the conversation to hear out the other person.
“If you can stay in that more regulated, intentional place, you can be reflective,” Straus said. “The idea is staying calm and connected to the person you’re trying to communicate with.”
Practice, practice. “Listening is a skill,” Straus said. Intentional listening, she said, “requires a certain selflessness. You have to suspend your own inner dialogue.”
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The post There’s a simple way to become a better listener. Most of us don’t do it. appeared first on Washington Post.
