Victoria Wickman, 49, was making breakfast when her oldest son, 16, approached her.
He described seeing posts on Instagram calling out how nobody intervened during an alleged sexual assault at a Cornell University fraternity in which seven men have been accused of giving a woman alcohol and the sedative ketamine before raping her.
“Mom, I would never not say anything,” she recalled him telling her. “You never have to worry about me.”
“But I do worry about you,” she responded.
What followed was a candid discussion about consent, the potential dangers of casual sex and the extent to which drugs or alcohol could alter his sense of right and wrong.
It’s a conversation that has played out in homes across the country as the Cornell case dominates headlines, raising questions as to why, after decades of campaigning against campus sexual assault and the rise of the #MeToo movement, so little seems to have changed, and what more parents need to be doing to educate their sons.
On Reddit and in Facebook groups, mothers and fathers have grappled with the grim details of the case while sharing advice on how to broach these conversations at home. In a Reddit group about raising teens, one poster wrote they were sickened by the thought that their 13-year-old could some day be involved in anything like this. In another, fathers exchanged advice about how to raise sons who are better than the Cornell 7, as one put it, and to make clear to their sons that “no” is a complete sentence, as another said.
Lawyers for at least three of the seven men accused in the lawsuit have denied criminal wrongdoing, while others have not made any public statements yet.
Ms. Wickman, a medical malpractice personal injury attorney in Staten Island who has worked on sexual assault cases on college campuses, urged her son to help someone being hurt, even if it meant being the “odd man out.”
“It’s your moral obligation as a human being to take care of that person,” she said.
Rachelle Wilson, 42, who lives in Austin, Texas, said her 12-year-old son learned about the case when she picked up a call from a friend, a Cornell alum, on the car’s speakerphone during the drive home from school.
The gist of the conversation, Ms. Wilson said, was: “I just can’t believe that this is still where we’re at.”
Her son piped up from the back seat: “I can believe it,” adding that accusations of sexual assault are everywhere, including among people in power. As far as he could tell, this was just the way the world worked, no matter how unjust, Ms. Wilson said.
When they got home Ms. Wilson shared some of the details of the case with her son, who wasn’t familiar with the whole story.
“Nobody stopped them?” he asked.
It wasn’t the first time they had spoken about consent or accountability. It’s hard to keep having the same conversation, she added — “I hate it.” But she sees it as an ongoing discussion.
The news has spurred conversations earlier than some parents may have liked. Claire Gibson, 39, was not planning to talk to her sons, who are 6 and 8, about the case earlier this week. But Ms. Gibson, who herself had been sexually abused, said it spilled out of her during a dinnertime discussion about the day’s highs and lows.
Ms. Gibson, who lives in Nashville, has spoken to both of her sons about sex and consent many times before. But “this is definitely the first time I have talked about violence and sex with my children,” she said.
Alan Gilliam, 35, is a content creator in Salt Lake City who posts about family life with his wife and their three sons, ages 11, 9 and 3. He shared a video on social media this week quizzing his two older sons about consent and urging other fathers to do the same.
Mr. Gilliam and his wife had spoken to their sons about the Cornell case the day before they made the video and again that morning. While the clip they posted was mainly about consent, for Mr. Gilliam, it has been equally important to talk to his young sons about the importance of speaking up.
One of the fraternity members allegedly shared a Snapchat message inviting others to join what was happening, according to the lawsuit.
“Out of 50-something men, not one person said, ‘Hey, man, what the hell are you guys doing?’” Mr. Gilliam said.
The post Parents Are Talking About Consent After Cornell Rape Allegations appeared first on New York Times.
